in the dark backyard, lit by the burning of cigarette buds i wonder why it has to be so complicated when all we ever wanted was to be there, provide love, care and concern, share in troubles or make the troubles go away ? as wisps of cigarette smoke floated into the air - i ask why? why me? why him? and him? and him? a year ago you made one of them punch a mirror now you leave another seemingly wirthing in emotional agony. why do we hurt so much even though we know its not worth it because they don't care? why are we no longer innocent, idealistic and happy? why do we carry so much in our hearts now? make it all go away. please.there are reasons why some of them smoke and drink so much these days, but as the saying goes "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." i just thought some of you should fucking realize that you all are not totally absolved of responsibility for their downtrodden state.it hurts to watch.

we were happiest when all we wanted was to win the gold in our various sports. when honour, pride and glory was everything. now those ideals stand empty and somehow all that remains is brotherhood. when i said that my soul was steadily poisoned black and i laughed in devious tones - he said you know that there will always be people who care for you. but whether this corruption has eaten into my bones i am not sure.

i know we all miss those days when we wore white, when the honour of the green black and white meant everything to us. then we were truly happy. that's why we couldn't help but drink the first toast to "the Rafflesian Family so screw you glenn!" and sing it so loudly and with so much pride when we were high. now...i wonder what we have all descended into. it doesn't matter - none of us seems to be truly happy. its not worth it but why do we still hurt. why do we still feel the pain.

we know that its the wrong direction but we still trudge along the same path. we say we want out but we always end up not being able to let go. we are weak. day by day i seem to be getting weaker in all senses of the word. argggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

i want answers. i need a resolution. but then would i be happy? probably not. but at least i will be able to enter the cocoon of sterilization and desansitization - to focus on what can make me truly happy - to have the power to protect, to annihilate and most importantly to win. sure i might get lonely but it really isn't something i haven't been living with.