Alcohol is a depressant

that's what the scientists say. the social circumstances under which one consumes alcohol however, has a larger effect on what the alcohol is supposed to do. 2pm on a sunday afternoon and my friends call me from New York, one of em is piss drunk, lost the plot as the other continues to mix drinks as they pass the phone around. i opened the closet and took out my huge stock of liquor, finally settling on Jack's whiskey. on the rocks, of course. at this age when you're unsure of what you're doing, when you're torn, distressed, afraid, angry, frustrated, scared, lost - one won't settle for less than hard liquor.

i HATE WHAT I'M DOING, i HATE WHAT I'M BECOMING, i HATE WHERE I AM, i HATE CONFORMING TO THIS FUCKING SYSTEM, i HATE IT THAT I DON'T HAVE MY OWN CONVERTIBLE, i HATE IT THAT I'M NOT A RICH SPOILT BRAT, i HATE IT THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS, I HATE THAT THERE IS THIS OCEAN BETWEEN WHERE I AM AND WHERE I WANT TO BE,I HATE IT THAT YOU GUYS ARE THERE AND I AM HERE, I HATE BEING ALONE. i want a fresh start away from here. lead me from here. to the shores of freedom where everyone lives. happily or not happily ever after.

5 hours later.......
its not because i love the future so much but its because i cannot re-live the past that was so fantastic. i would never exchange everything i went through in junior college to improve on my single B. i miss raffles rugby, the drive, the traditions, the friendships, the times spent, our table, friends at our table, friends in school but i've got to move on. question now is to what? amibitions and new beginnings are on hold because i can't go to college till at least a year later.

i need to focus on playin rugby. discipline. i can't afford late nights on the com, late nights out on saturday and friday with the army boys. maybe then time will pass much faster and this horrendous year will skip by.

if i ever had to grade which was the most terrible of my 19 years of life. i would say this year will win hands down. problem is, its only halfway through.