skeleton in the closet
i don't exactly have a younger or older brother who can be there to light the path for me or to be responsible for. but i realize i found family somewhere along the road of life. i looked up to those before me who took pride in the same things i did and without knowing it i try to pass on the same lessons to those who come after me. now the boys stand poised on the brink of graduationt to men, their long war drawing near to a conclusion. i've thought of what i'll say to them when it matters. i just wish i was the one being talked to and inspired instead; wish i could be out there on the field fighting with them again. But i can't.
when they said that good times never last forever, they were darn right. he said that after the day of reckoning i'll become a man. more likely, a part of me died right there on that day. its quintessence became part of the moment, disappearing into photos and memories, disappearing into history. the part that i loved most, the idealism, the fire and the aggression. the confident dreamer. they say as you grow older you gain wisdom in exchange for passion. then i never ever want to grow up for gnarled wisdom is a bane and a curse for those merely looking to lead a confident free life of passion.
its time i confronted my skeleton in the closet. i felt absolute guilt when i met them at the various times i did. at SOCE on my first day, at subway, at Al-Ameen. older "brothers" who once lit the way for me back in secondary school. the older "brother" who taught me the his trade of war. where was my pride, my desire and my tenacity? i let go and what i know for sure is i let everyone down, there's the hint of head shaking and disappointment when i spoke to them. i wish it could have been otherwise but would it have been possible tell me? everything was falling apart before my very eyes, i couldn't sleep, i was slipping into depression, every night back there i looked at the planes that flew by and thought of freedom, i thought of friends overseas, of New York City, Bali, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Paris, London, Prague, HongKong... i wondered why i was there in the middle of some godforsaken jungle, what the hell did i do to end up in SISPEC, why did i get rejected by colleges,how am i supposed to get a place in college, what if i don't get a place in the US, i hated a lot of the people i had to see everyday - i hated CSM, i hated stupid kungfu man, i hated dumb fuck who was always late from meals,i hated staff,the list could go on forever. my section with alex, zy and kelven, jaron and jasmeet next door was the only blessing if not i would have definitely plunged into depression outright. i was going crazy and i lost the plot. i stopped fighting for the first time in my life. somehow completing the course or crossing over to ocs didn't seem to matter anymore - pride didn't seem to matter anymore. fire and passion for the fight disappeared. i just wanted to do weights, play rugby and get to watch my junior's games, spend time with them in their last season. it just didn't seem worth it to do shit for SAF. it still doesn't but what i can't accept is the fact that i lost, stopped fighting, gave up. there and then when i gave up, the accident happened...and the rest...well you know the story.
i couldn't find myself all of a sudden then. i tried to find he who always fought the challenge of odds stacked against him without fear and doubt. the one who from being thrashed 110-0 by his opponents, earned the respect of and was part of the brotherhood that raised the trophy for the first time in a long while, the one who topped the school after almost failing Primary 5, the one who got an A in physics despite never passing a single physics exam in secondary school, the one who got A in Maths after failing prelims in JC. he walked out on me when i was in the wasteland, conviction lost to the winds as i was rovered to the medical centre.
Idealism, confidence return to me.now the only confidence i have is when i'm on the field. pray get me out of NS, or let me attach out more to train, - i need to earn my own self-respect. maybe then it'll help to slightly wipe away the way i have disappointed those whom i respect so much.
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives
Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight
honey and the moon - joseph arthur ( from the OC soundtrack )
when they said that good times never last forever, they were darn right. he said that after the day of reckoning i'll become a man. more likely, a part of me died right there on that day. its quintessence became part of the moment, disappearing into photos and memories, disappearing into history. the part that i loved most, the idealism, the fire and the aggression. the confident dreamer. they say as you grow older you gain wisdom in exchange for passion. then i never ever want to grow up for gnarled wisdom is a bane and a curse for those merely looking to lead a confident free life of passion.
its time i confronted my skeleton in the closet. i felt absolute guilt when i met them at the various times i did. at SOCE on my first day, at subway, at Al-Ameen. older "brothers" who once lit the way for me back in secondary school. the older "brother" who taught me the his trade of war. where was my pride, my desire and my tenacity? i let go and what i know for sure is i let everyone down, there's the hint of head shaking and disappointment when i spoke to them. i wish it could have been otherwise but would it have been possible tell me? everything was falling apart before my very eyes, i couldn't sleep, i was slipping into depression, every night back there i looked at the planes that flew by and thought of freedom, i thought of friends overseas, of New York City, Bali, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Paris, London, Prague, HongKong... i wondered why i was there in the middle of some godforsaken jungle, what the hell did i do to end up in SISPEC, why did i get rejected by colleges,how am i supposed to get a place in college, what if i don't get a place in the US, i hated a lot of the people i had to see everyday - i hated CSM, i hated stupid kungfu man, i hated dumb fuck who was always late from meals,i hated staff,the list could go on forever. my section with alex, zy and kelven, jaron and jasmeet next door was the only blessing if not i would have definitely plunged into depression outright. i was going crazy and i lost the plot. i stopped fighting for the first time in my life. somehow completing the course or crossing over to ocs didn't seem to matter anymore - pride didn't seem to matter anymore. fire and passion for the fight disappeared. i just wanted to do weights, play rugby and get to watch my junior's games, spend time with them in their last season. it just didn't seem worth it to do shit for SAF. it still doesn't but what i can't accept is the fact that i lost, stopped fighting, gave up. there and then when i gave up, the accident happened...and the rest...well you know the story.
i couldn't find myself all of a sudden then. i tried to find he who always fought the challenge of odds stacked against him without fear and doubt. the one who from being thrashed 110-0 by his opponents, earned the respect of and was part of the brotherhood that raised the trophy for the first time in a long while, the one who topped the school after almost failing Primary 5, the one who got an A in physics despite never passing a single physics exam in secondary school, the one who got A in Maths after failing prelims in JC. he walked out on me when i was in the wasteland, conviction lost to the winds as i was rovered to the medical centre.
Idealism, confidence return to me.now the only confidence i have is when i'm on the field. pray get me out of NS, or let me attach out more to train, - i need to earn my own self-respect. maybe then it'll help to slightly wipe away the way i have disappointed those whom i respect so much.
But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives
Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight
honey and the moon - joseph arthur ( from the OC soundtrack )
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home