Gamble.

when you stake everything on one roll of the dice and it all turns foul - you experience a profound change as a person not for now or just for tomorrow but for good. today seemed to be a look into the possible future. dear younger brother was right when he said it was folly to gamble in such hazardous circumstances. i know what will happen when its lost. what beats will turn to stone. i know another little bit of my humanity will die, my blood will run a little colder, my mind ever more focused on the money and riches, my body ever more pointed to the perverted artificiality. the dice is rolling... when it stops. i will look in the mirror and see if the horns have grown bigger or the wings purer. then look at thee and judge. and i will judge thyself by experiences past.

like roulette, the dice is spinning still. wait and see. ain't cashing out time yet.