With 'tears and rain' on repeat, i sit here staring into the cloudy star less singapore night sky - wondering how i messed it all up this year; how everything i touched seemed to turn to stone. i try to count my blessings - and they do exist, but they are scarce and there is a huge blanket of darkness that blacks out these small shining stars. i am trying to think of something good that i've done but somehow i can't think of any. i have had a messed up disastrous season that has crushed my self confidence. my scores are abysmal and the dream seems to be slipping from my grasp. my friends are all stuck in camp, getting fucked by their screwed up superiors and instructors. and there are other issues of course.
i just read a friend's blog. moving 10,000 miles away won't solve anything. but can anything ever be truly resolved without a trace of scar tissue? do wounds truly heal completely?
never once this year have i not felt like everything is a wreck and spinning out of my control. not going to OCS didn't matter in the end, but even rugby fell apart when we started a 9 game losing streak after combined schools. i don't know if you all think going into a scrum or a maul against those bastards is like a walk in the park. for your information, every scrum is like a fucking fight to stay alive. now i hate scrumming. maybe now i am starting to understand why J and T told me i shouldn't join em to play in the league back in 2003. everytime i go to the gym or hit a pad, the frustration, fear, anger and hate from all the pain inflicted on me just comes to the fore - i am starting to wonder if i actually like playing rugby or if all i like about the game is just returning the pain dealt to me ten fold. everyone likes New Zealand cause they play a beautiful game, but South Africa is my team, because they are about punishing the opposition and inflicting pain. i don't care if daniel carter or spencer can come up with fancy shit ass moves - but the huge hits by de wet barry and schalk burger that borders on dangerous, 'dirty' and malicious makes me stand up and cheer.
Jake White summised long ago that the typical South African player seeks physical dominance over his opponent -- a raw, aggressive mentality embedded in the country's history
i'm not South African but i believe in the same logic. but you could say that i was born with that instinct. next season, i will stand up to a. d, a. k, fat bastard, m. williams, a. m, stare them straight in the eye and fight them.
but rugby isn't a one man game and more often than not this season, there are too many of us - yes i am going to give them the basic respect of being part of the team - who just can't be bothered to give all out for the team, taking the attachment as a joke. i mean which god damn coach is as useless as that bastard - it was like going back to Anthony Tay the loser back in chinese high. tell me which substitute flanker gets burned by an opposition prop who's been on the field from the start? which god damn asshole can say that he has no mood to train because he's lost his handphone? which dumb fuck gives the ball straight away to the opposition when a penalty is given against his team and his mates have not aligned a defence line? and this list isn't exhaustive. zhuwei was absolutely right when he shouted at him. it summed up the season, the division in this team. for those awesome players that i'm proud to have played with even in this disappointing season, i just hope i haven't let you all down.
how i long for the day i could drop everything here and start afresh 10,000 miles away. now food has lost its taste and alcohol makes me cry because even though i can find many things bestowed upon me by the grace of God that i am thankful for, real happiness is something i have hardly felt albeit once or twice very briefly over the past few weeks. but dropping everything here, getting a new start, will bring no end to this - for its an internal complex that i carry within me, memories do not fade so easily, junren the angst as friends affectionately or not so affectionately know me will never be complete without it. maybe someone can walk into my life and change it, maybe she already has walked into my life - but maybe she hasn't and its all just a dream that i have to wake up from in due time with an abrupt stop, kinda like falling off the wrong side of the bed. in life its all about maybe-s there is hardly ever a must be and when there is one can rejoice. running to some place 10,000 miles away will change nothing, wm has shown that its just like flipping a page and beginning a new chapter in the same book, relentlessly relating to what has happened before... parents, ex-s ( not that i have any ), close friends, accquaintances, anyone who has touched your life.
And Ecclesiastes says it better than any of us:
i gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. -
i just read a friend's blog. moving 10,000 miles away won't solve anything. but can anything ever be truly resolved without a trace of scar tissue? do wounds truly heal completely?
never once this year have i not felt like everything is a wreck and spinning out of my control. not going to OCS didn't matter in the end, but even rugby fell apart when we started a 9 game losing streak after combined schools. i don't know if you all think going into a scrum or a maul against those bastards is like a walk in the park. for your information, every scrum is like a fucking fight to stay alive. now i hate scrumming. maybe now i am starting to understand why J and T told me i shouldn't join em to play in the league back in 2003. everytime i go to the gym or hit a pad, the frustration, fear, anger and hate from all the pain inflicted on me just comes to the fore - i am starting to wonder if i actually like playing rugby or if all i like about the game is just returning the pain dealt to me ten fold. everyone likes New Zealand cause they play a beautiful game, but South Africa is my team, because they are about punishing the opposition and inflicting pain. i don't care if daniel carter or spencer can come up with fancy shit ass moves - but the huge hits by de wet barry and schalk burger that borders on dangerous, 'dirty' and malicious makes me stand up and cheer.
Jake White summised long ago that the typical South African player seeks physical dominance over his opponent -- a raw, aggressive mentality embedded in the country's history
i'm not South African but i believe in the same logic. but you could say that i was born with that instinct. next season, i will stand up to a. d, a. k, fat bastard, m. williams, a. m, stare them straight in the eye and fight them.
but rugby isn't a one man game and more often than not this season, there are too many of us - yes i am going to give them the basic respect of being part of the team - who just can't be bothered to give all out for the team, taking the attachment as a joke. i mean which god damn coach is as useless as that bastard - it was like going back to Anthony Tay the loser back in chinese high. tell me which substitute flanker gets burned by an opposition prop who's been on the field from the start? which god damn asshole can say that he has no mood to train because he's lost his handphone? which dumb fuck gives the ball straight away to the opposition when a penalty is given against his team and his mates have not aligned a defence line? and this list isn't exhaustive. zhuwei was absolutely right when he shouted at him. it summed up the season, the division in this team. for those awesome players that i'm proud to have played with even in this disappointing season, i just hope i haven't let you all down.
how i long for the day i could drop everything here and start afresh 10,000 miles away. now food has lost its taste and alcohol makes me cry because even though i can find many things bestowed upon me by the grace of God that i am thankful for, real happiness is something i have hardly felt albeit once or twice very briefly over the past few weeks. but dropping everything here, getting a new start, will bring no end to this - for its an internal complex that i carry within me, memories do not fade so easily, junren the angst as friends affectionately or not so affectionately know me will never be complete without it. maybe someone can walk into my life and change it, maybe she already has walked into my life - but maybe she hasn't and its all just a dream that i have to wake up from in due time with an abrupt stop, kinda like falling off the wrong side of the bed. in life its all about maybe-s there is hardly ever a must be and when there is one can rejoice. running to some place 10,000 miles away will change nothing, wm has shown that its just like flipping a page and beginning a new chapter in the same book, relentlessly relating to what has happened before... parents, ex-s ( not that i have any ), close friends, accquaintances, anyone who has touched your life.
And Ecclesiastes says it better than any of us:
i gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. -
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