Run away from here......

i sit in my room, lost and drowning in the boredom of reality. and he comes by to pop the brilliant idea into my mind, reinforcing the idea that's been swirling in my mind - run away, just for a while, that is. i have 2 years to save the money while i slave away for the military and a few more months of work before i go to university. once i have that sum of money i'll secretly buy that one way ticket to Vienna without my parents knowing, and then one day i'll just disappear. i'll call them when i get there. Vienna...Budapest... Warsaw... and i keep dreaming. i'll make it come true.

Broken

the two most meaningful things i've done today:
1) read breakfast at tiffany's in the wee hours of the morning
2) do weights with tzemeng

and another day passes without fanfare or emotion, another day of my life down the drain drifting like a ghost; living in a reality without meaning. i might put on a smile, laugh and scream with them - the friends my life has always revolved around - but deep down i'm withering away.

I don't want to own anything until I find a place where me and things go together. I'm not sure where that is but I know what it is like. It's like Tiffany's.

it can be anywhere in the world, it could even be here - depending on where you are. but now you seem a thousand miles away, far out in the huge world, chasing butterflies that dance in the morning sunshine; while i remain hidden in the shadows that cloaks me from the world for i don't want them to judge me - only you can. looking for the place where dreams are reality.

Moon River, wider than a mile,
I'm crossing you in style some day.
Oh, dream maker, you heart breaker,
Wherever you're going I'm going your way.

with each passing day, i diminish. unknown and unseen to the world. someday, i'll get there. maybe then i'll find you waiting there, maybe i'll finally be at home, maybe then i'll be whole again. but then again, maybe i'll be drifting forever.

if you let yourself love a wild thing, you'll end up looking at the sky

from now till then, i'll wander the world unseen and unheard, homeless. looking up and wishing upon every first star i see in the night. looking up and crying out to the moon lady to wash away the scar tissue of life. looking at the storm, and wishing for it to make our love grow. looking the sun, and wishing for it to make her heart a glow. out there in the sky she lives, floating like the free spirit she is.

Two drifters off to see the world.
There's such a lot of world to see.
We're after the same rainbow's end --
Waiting 'round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,
Moon River and me.

and we dream.

ever wondered why over the centuries people have always tried to find a piece of this dream? first came the pilgrims and Columbus, followed by the settlers. later came the slaves and the immigrants. black white yellow and brown - all came to find a place where they could build a future.

friend: " i will have a lofty apartment overlooking the city, then every night we can sit on the balcony in the chilly Atlantic wind sipping on bourbon, watching my smoke spin and drift away, with the whole New York skyline in front of us. "

the American dream.

i'm bored of everything Singapore has to offer. bored of orchard road and its never ending row of shops which i can never buy anything from... for now. Ermengildo Zegna, Prada, Armani Exchange, Calvin Klein when will thee be affordable for me? bored of the lan shops from paradiz to far east to ginza. bored of al-azhar, KAP, killeny's and all food Singaporean. when this ship sails it'll be a very long while before it returns...and i'll miss the only stuff i'll never be bored of: all the people whom i have grown up with and left their imprint on my life, no matter how small or how big it has been.
but to start a fresh, to build a dream, to build a future; it can't be avoided. no one ever said its going to be easy, but that makes it sweeter at the end. maybe then, i won't be bored anymore.

Mustafa Hotel

Kabul, Afghanistan - "...But the Mustafa still has its wonderfully exotic clientele of rugged journalists, down-and-out mercenaries and war profiteers. spend five minutes in the lobby and you;ll see more tattooed muscle rippling past you than in a day at a Californian beach." - Time Magazine

it came in the mail today, a welcome read after a day of economics. i have now found a possible alternative if everything screws up and I get trapped. i can see it now... running away from home with 5000 dollars worth of "borrowed" money after i get ORD-ed from the army. months later, i find myself sitting at a rustic bullet-holed bar in Kabul sipping on shots of Uzbek vodka in a singlet and standard issue army pants with the DE in its holster beside the glass. waiting... wisps of cigarette smoke drifting in the air.

living in a world far away from the peers i grew up with and my family; a far away place where every single day is drenched in melancholy and blood. my conscience shattered into a thousand pieces, drowned in alcohol and the screams of anguish that rings in the ears. dreaming of the day when i'll have enough money in the Swiss bank account to pay them back the 5000 with interest on top of it; to leave it all behind to start a fresh.

tomorrow, the killing begins all over again.