Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly....

waking up at 0515 in the morning on a monday does little to reduce the monday blues of booking in. while on the cab, i'm sure i'll wish that it doesn't make the turn at Pasir Ris but instead continues down all the way to Changi. there i'll be..dreaming of the days when these tough battles are over and the sun shines through the rain clouds on the horizon, a rainbow bridging the current world of darkness with the greener pastures on the other side.

i pray/hope/(any other form of desire) that i get accepted somewhere over the next couple of days or else i'll be left with nothing to look forward...yet. guardian angels in the land of the star spangled banner please let it start with lines that run something like "the Office of Undergraduate admissions would like to congratulate you on your acceptance..."


meanwhile...tekong beckons.

pride

people call it "people relag i do extra". in e company sispec, i actually don't mind anymore, at the end of the day we can say that we went all the away. i'm sure the experience in sispec will do me plenty of good, better than going ocs straight. it changes your attitude, your desire and flame of determination. BMT ain't anything in comparison, this is the real boot camp.this is where we'll grow up. my section is made up of a fantastic bunch of dudes and we work hard together. many of them will cross over after six weeks, i know for sure, they deserve it more than many of the wayang motherfucker scholars in OCS now. whoever said that all scholars make good leaders anyway, absolute bullshit. i just hope i won't be left behind. that's the only fear i have. tough times will go by, but tough men won't.

Gin Tonic

a potent mixture when drank without any lemon. so when is someone considered to be drunk? when he can still remember all the bullshit that spews forth or when he can't remember anything at all? the crying over the phone when i called my parents, nikhil pulling the phone away from me, the puking in the toilet, sitting in the bath tub, calling jasmeet to bring me a towel, wearing a winter jacket to sleep because i was freezing - i don't think its a night we're going to forget in a long while. somehow though i was raving, i'm still able to recall bits of what i said over the phone. stuff like how i'm going to buy her the farm in sunshine valley, pay for my sister's high school n uni education in e states. then again there a lot of negative shit too, i said most of that to my pa before they took the phone from me. benny and nikhil went out while alex, jasmeet n i were stoned out in the apartment.

i doubt i'll ever drink like that again in the next couple of years. after last night, you could say that i've changed. life is no longer about having fun anymore. in fact, it has taken on a very serious tone. its very much like a game. to win you've got to be absolutely focused, disciplined and serious, you've gotta have buddies whom you can rely on, but at the same time you've got to love it. this ain't just bout NS, its the whole big picture for years to come.

booking in on monday back at tekong with all the other fellow sispec warriors. come what may. i'll meet it with all the grit i can muster. fight for my pride and hopefully another chance.

I'm Drunk

fucking drunk, the mother fuckers in arya's house are trying to fucking make me drunk but i'm not. one day i'll be wasted in the land of the free, not this mother fucking land protected by the lanjiao people called SAF. we're being protected by wayang fuckers, and fucking malaysia will take us fucking easily. america, land of the real men. fuck u all. - benedict lim Raffles T.T Captain A MAN... literally in all senses of the word

pride is all a man's got

pride above all. salute the man and not the rank. i don't give a fuck about you ocs motherfuckers. i am bitter, but i will never salute you if you don't deserve it. fuck you all. fuck you all. serve with pride, because pride is all i have left. for pride and nothing else. pray i be a guardsman so i won't have to see you motherfucking gay infantry lieutenants. fuck you all, when i earn millions working for Barclays, JP Morgan, Citibank, standard chartered i'll see who's the one driving the sports car and living the high life, no need to serve any fucking reservist.

let's get the ball rolling...

the army's paying me to sit my sorry ass at home to slack for a week. while others might like it, i wish they'd just get on with it. sispec or ocs just give it to me. i know i didn't try as hard as i could in BMT so i really wanna make amends for it.
then again, i've been handed an opportunity to thoroughly contemplate and plan the future.

while others work hard on their scholarship applications now, i'm slacking because i'm taking another route. a tougher route with more risks but with more opportunities and chances to make it big too. i'll be slogging like mad in university. studying, working, networking, getting up contacts and the like - just to land that job with one of the top 25 banks. to work on wall street, in manhatten - you name it. decided on the majors too, tentatively at least, it'll be international economics and international politics.

after hearing my classmate's killer work schedule with 2 jobs, i'd say that i'm really impressed and can't wait to try out something like that. for the experience, for the people i meet, for the money.

that's what life's gonna be about. when you have to pay your own bills, buy your own car, pay taxes, get a house etc. its only when you're financially stable that you're able to spend more time with friends and family,chase those dreams of seeing the world getting your own restaurant etc., most probably/hopefully start playing rugby again.

i'm 18+, growing up, sitting on the pivot of life, waiting for things to happen.

That's too bad
So I must leave, I'll have to go
To Las Vegas or Monaco
And win a fortune in a game
My life will never be the same

Money, money, money
Must be funny
In the rich man's world
Money, money, money
Always sunny
In the rich man's world
Aha, aha
All the things I could do
If I had a little money
It's a rich man's world

TISSUE PAPER?

while looking for a place to sit during lunch hour @ Raffles Place i noticed little packets of tissue placed on the seats. the first thought that came to mind involved something along the lines of "improved service". Contrary to my assumption, i was told that a packet of tissue is also now a tool for reserving a seat.guess things are never what they seem. we're a real generous and friendly people dunch ya think? innovative too.

welcome to the Great Singapore Rat Race.

beyond the sea...into the future

being away from the army has given me the time to actually sit down and just think. not about how to survive the day, not about what's going to happen in the next few minutes/hours/days but in the years after i leave the service. this is just a chance for me to organize everything that's been swirling in my head for the past couple of days.

what's certain is i ain't going to apply for MTA anymore, or for any other scholarships for that matter. West Point is where i want to be, but going there on the MTA just isn't the right thing. i don't want a full time career in the SAF or the civil service. if i'd wanted a military career it would be to defend my country and stand up for the values i believe in. here i can't do both and my trust in my comrades in arms tells me that the nation is in safe hands any how.not that i won't answer a call to arms if it does happen. if they fight, i'll fight too. not for duty to country but for honour of friendship.

frankie once sang a song that went like this...
Start spreading the news, I’m leaving today
I want to be a part of it - new york, new york
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - new york, new york

i don't know if its hollywood with shows like 13 going on 30, serendipity, Hitch and Friends which has New York as the setting filled with opportunities and affluence; the Statue of Liberty that stands a beacon of hope and opportunity in the harbour; weiming being there n thriving to an extent or the mere fact that i loved Manhatten when i walked down those crowded streets alone at the age 15 but that's just the place to be, the place where i want to be. sitting in my personal office on top of one of those skyscrapers overlooking the Hudson; living in a well furnished apartment with a view of the Statue and the harbour; dressed in an Emilio, Armani or Boss with the occasional Ralph Lauren; driving down the street in a porsche, ferrari or smtg. the list just won't end. but i can see it, a way out of my current "poverty". shuquan i still insist that i'm right, a combined monthly income of 10,000 ain't poverty but it sure as hell ain't rich.

I wanna wake up in a city, that doesn’t sleep
And find I’m king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I’ll make a brand new start of it - in old new york
If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere
It’s up to you - new york, new york

what's Singapore as a place to work in compared to New York in terms of opportunities and all. yes, it is home. but home is a kind of feeling not a place so why can't someone have 2 homes? they think i'm a banana and sure as hell they're right. he's right too. if I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere - even back here. so there ain't anything holding me back. sis will prob. be studying over there; mum and dad chillin out in Toronto, and friends all over the world.

New york, new york
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
And find I’m a number one top of the list, king of the hill
A number one

These little town blues, are melting away
I’m gonna make a brand new start of it - in old new york
And if I can make it there, I’m gonna make it anywhere

It up to you - new york new york

who doesn't want to be top dog? king of the hill? but the one who gets there is different. and i've always believed that there's something different bout me, i don't know how or why but i just know its there. a difference. i can be top dog if i work as hard as i can - with a brand new start to erase all the mistakes i've made here. i don't need any of their crummy enslavement plans, i don't want your money mum and dad - i want to take this giant leap for myself, risk and all.

so that's it. Plan A. Unchanged from the days it was drafted in 2002. freedom and democracy, opportunity, immense risk taking or stability, enslavement with a facade of prestige? i choose risk and freedom. its out there that my dreams lie, far out across the sea. just like the millions before me from every other part of the world.

P.O.P

walking down the last four of the 24km route march, i looked back on my entire BMT experience. i realize i have grown and learned a lot in these 9 weeks. speaking less and observing more, just helps to make things crystal clear. defining moments usually arise when one's mettle is tested by the fires of adversity. trench digging night and 12/16/24km marches only served to show who's made up of true leader quality and who's wayang, more importantly it served to show who's your real friend and who's sucking your cock just to get himself a place in OCS. apart from that, the instructors including the officers have duly shown the attributes needed to be a good leader. rapport with ur men, caring for their welfare while being strict while you have too etc. they have inspired me to put into practice all these principles if i ever get the chance to.

marching down the parade square in our skeletal battle order with rifles at julang (high port) position, i felt proud to be part of this whole experience; proud to know those whom i have come to trust and rely on. but being me, there are always those that i have come to detest. =) they are the ones who have no pride in what they do. be it high-porting their weapon, closing up during route marches, singing songs during marches, digging their shell scripts or even a simple thing as writing down a top 5 trainees list ( who the hell writes his own name in his peer apprasial!) . thanks to you guys i've learnt a lot of character analysis skills too; learnt how the ultimate fuckers behave.

as the caps rose high up into the sky amidst outbursts of joy, i knew who i really wanted to celebrate it with and so i did. we're no longer recruits anymore guys. we're BIG FUCK privates! there are those of us who believe that tough guys can get through tough times no matter what. well i know the truth, the toughest guys are those who fight on because of their pride and burning desire to never let their comrades down. to the tough men of falcon 4, hopefully i'll see you guys on 21st march @ SAFTI. if not, that means sgt. guangliang was right and you'll know where to find me. -bleah-

dazed absolute headache

now that i've gotten back my grades, i'm in a daze. i'm very happy with my results even though i din get a perfect score. but i don't know where to go from here. i still want to go to West Point but that means i have to take up a military sponsorship. can't imagine doing staff and administrative jobs when i come back. the only reason i would want to be military is the opportunity to care for the men i lead. impossible to do that in the office. well and yeah there's the thing about making it to OCS too. bleah.

there's still the Georgetown application which i'm waiting on. hopefully i get accepted with fin aid. , then i'll have more options open. suddenly i feel like i'm torn in two. -sigh-

anyway congrats to everyone else who's done tremendously well. to those who're also in the bottom half of their sch but are still absolutely satisfied with grades i'm happy for all of you too. for those who didn't do so well don't worry from now on life really ain't bout the grades anymore. there's still a lot more you can achieve in the outside world. when you're 28 or 29, it doesn't matter that much if you've got 4As or 4Cs; life's much more than that. but of course, for those who cry over 3As and 1B i would like to extend a very big fuck you. =)

more importantly, i really want to thank all my tutors who have provided valuable guidance over the past 2 challenging years of my life. i might not have gotten straight As but i've definitely matured a lot over the course of 2 years in Raffles. And its in part thanks to all of you. with special mention for mr. mac, mr. rollason, ms. chen and mr. leong. school was really memorable cause of rugby ( we've got to get the guys together again man ) and everyone else. thank you so much class of 2004 RJC.

boom.

had hand grenade live throw this week. its not fun. its totally exhilarating. while holding the olive green SFG ( standard fragmentation grenade ) in my hand i was surprisingly unfazed by its destructive potential. standing in the bay watching where my grenade landed was the best part. lobbing it into the sky it hit the edge of the area and rolled just in front of the target. the sir pulled me down and in 1 count the grenade exploded. pure adrenaline rush. POP in a couple of days. yeah man.

getting back results later. i am not terrified. but neither am i feeling really confident. then again, i ain't aiming for a perfect score. a couple of As and Bs will be good enough for me i guess. hopefully GP's an A1. as for options for the future, i'm still considering the many paths. haven't exactly decided yet.