Escape

this common tests really 'si' liao. as usual, its damage control and crisis management coupled with frequent breaks watching Friends. the amazing great away, watch Euro finals at some Holland V pub, walk to school after that. i'll be stoned or asleep for the rest of the day. so much so that when i get the grades. i will just yawn and throw the scripts somewhere in my bag.as we grow older, we don't grow smarter, we grow more stupid, because we grow sadder, not knowing how to enjoy the simple things in life.

history.

hitler, mussolini and stalin = eternal condemnation and damnation in hell = condemnation of me to failure just cause they once existed. this sucks, i'm studying notes from other schools, if that's e case i might as well not come to school.

the end is near? no. its only just began actually.

after a rather short holidays which i have spent doing absolutely nothing except maybe a desperate attempt to survive the common tests since tuesday of the last week. i watch soccer cause i bet? no. what i bet is not even enough to feed me for a week. cause i love the game? well i like it, but i don't love it that much. cause of hot guys? totally no, i'm straight. when i watch soccer, i watch just to see people living out their dreams, giving their all for something they believe passionately in.i wish i could be like them and live out my dream too. here are the various alternatives.

thought 1: play rugby
5 nanoseconds after that thought goes through my cerebral hemisphere, i realize i will never be good enough to play at the highest level of Test rugby. and playing in the Singapore league will make me have a bank account deficit. best situation will be ending up like donkey, which is a horrible prospect.

thought 2: be a professional body builder
5 minutes pass. i realize i have to stick needles up my butt filled with HGH - bio ppl u know what this is....makes you a superhuman, those with low self esteem should try! or nandrolone deconate. and take pills with hideious sounding names such as Dianabol. no insult to people who are named diana. grow into super freak who has muscles so big that he can't use them to do anything but do more weights.

thought 3: be a soldier
i will be a NS man, a soldier or sorts. but not the type i envision in a dream. i was thinking of elite trooper, like US airborne or something. i actually get to defend the ideals that i believe in, like freedom, equality, liberty and above all brotherhood.oh and through ROTC, the government will pay for my freaking college education! after dreaming for 50 seconds, i realize it ain't happening cause i'm not American. cause i'm born in a fucking country which values above all SLAVES AND BOOTLICKERS WITH THE LEAST IDEA OF WHAT ARE IDEALS N PRINCIPLES.

thought 4: i don't want to think anymore.

now back to trudging along this path of listless life with zero passion.well maybe there is one, but no... i doubt so, i'll try and think but i really doubt so. still i can cling onto that small hope.oh and there are friends! just that 2 of my closest buds are going to the States in August. there's still my old man, ruggers, ben, others but just... shrug. after the common tests i'm going to spend more time with them. going to be disciplined n diet n train. going to be a disciplined student. yeah my aims. i wish i could fulfill them. i wish i could get to know God more too, think he might the missing jigsaw in my life? i don't know. i dont. i feel like i'm deviating from the path of being a person. i wish i could just be me again.please give me back passion and desire.

currently on...Best of Friends Volume 1

there was this chio girl at coffee bean! but after a while she just reminds me of those rich girls who put on so much make up thinking that if they don't their face will crack. -thinks- she, and no i dun mean e chio girl, is way better. Joey explains to Ross,"in this world there are many flavours of ice cream, all you got to do is pick up a spoon and dig in." i know the flavour i like but i just don't know how to pick up the spoon. anyway....

after 1 whole day of mugging which does nothing good for you except kill some brain cells and make you add a few cm to your waistline, watching Friends really helps to ease the pain. sort of like Bed time stories for kids. the other day i just sauntered into video ezy at 6 avenue, cause i just didn't feel like studying anymore,and signed up to be a member.its free anyway. today i borrowed The Best of Friends Volume One, watched e first disc, there's nothing i want to say bout it... its Friends. there was one episode with Ross and the monkey, hilarious but it has a real sweet ending when the simian grabs his finger. die...now i might rent 1 vcd everyday cause there's video ezy at Jelita near school & 6 avenue near where i study..or KAP... or worse...10 mins walk from my house. i should just buy the whole series.

i like the theme song lots ever since the first time i heard it. when i sit up at night, i really find it hard to be alone, like there's no one out there, no one to tell me its all going to be ok. i come home and i really don't have much to say to the parents, but when i'm out its just different. the song sums up everything a friend is, just to be there for each other when it does and doesn't matter. i just hope at the end of this whole freaking 2 year ordeal with its intense trials, tribulations and some spectacular memories i'll be able to go overseas. New York? i really hope so. maybe in 2.5 yrs time, i'll be there studying in Columbia and i'll be able to find friends to share an apartment with. its all such a dream. sometimes dreams do come true, you just got to do your part and let fate and e lord handle e rest.

it has to end some day.

they sms-ed me to go for the open training for the '04 under19 squad tomorrow. well, don't think i am going to. i've gotta stop playing rugby, though i love it so much. i miss playing with raffles rugby, miss bearing the proud crest etched on e left breast. all good things come to an end, i think i just got to accept the fact that it came to a good end. i really got to focus on the A's, but i'll bear in mind something jimmy has been telling me, live life like there's no tomorrow. i'm no longer angsty. what i am now, is merely a shadow of my former self.

this is bad....ok not that bad...but still BAD

my sleeping pattern has not changed !!!! i'm checking out Gamecast on ESPN soccernet on e the games. DIE. anyway my pundit skills aren't that bad... Portugal are 1-0 up thanks to Nuno Gomez and its only 5 mins to go. on that... today's take on Portugal win would have made lots of money. i was more confident in a Portugal win than a Greek win against eliminated RUssia. guess i was right. would haf made money on portugal and lost some ( but not too much over Russia ). nocturnal animals. blah. i am one now... deserve to be shot. DIG THAT ALL YOU SPANISH FANS. gillian esp. you ! =P ...

late nights are bad. i must stop keeping late nights. must must must!!!!

to avid punters

please do not under estimate the czech republic!!!! Singapore Pools put the Czech as underdogs against Holland yesterday, guess what happened? Nedved and Co. are the only team in the tournament so far who have the character to fight back from 1-0 and 2-0 deficits to win their games. considering the high odds, the Czech make an excellent bet for winning the Euro.

disclaimer : in football the ball is round, so this is only a prediction based on a small amount of facts. the only winners are people who don't bet. =P

now its over....

when Gronkjaer nailed the last minute goal for Denmark, i knew that was the end of my punting till the end of common tests. which will be in 2 weeks time,withdrew with a 28 dollar profit, decent enough.can buy my krumpler if i include e capital. haha. no more late nights and sleeping at 5am. i'm glad its over, but it was fun while it lasted. thanks to jimmy, amos n gabriel for putting up with me.

at james's last night we were looking through all the old photos, sec4 really seems like an eternity before. but still the vivid memories exist, they say in life you only appreciate the things you have when you don't own them anymore - that is the truth. so you live everyday like its your last, before it all passes before you. looking at the yunnan trip photos, it seemed like it happen a century before. actually it was only 2 years. times may move on, those close to you might drift, but when you meet again, the common memories n history will tie you together again. these collective memories, emotions and language. that's what makes us human. saw Gabriel's photo when he was in p6 too...haha he does look like a dinosaur, half the height he is now, twice the size. go imagine.

oh got my SAT scores yesterday..as usual maths got own-ed. but its much better than last time. hopefully the score is good enough for Columbia. got to do SAT IIs soon too...probably in October. gotta be disciplined from now on, till e end of CTs at least.will reaccess e situation after that. next week must mug full time, lest i get owned at Ct2. aim: BBCC.tomorrow's another new beginning.

Hello, good morning, how you do?
What makes your risin' sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new
So this is a way, that I say I need You
This is a way
This is a way

That I'm learning to breathe
I'm learning to crawl
I'm finding that you and you alone can break my fall
I'm living again, awake and alive
I'm dying to breathe in these abundant skies
switchfoot -learning to breathe

living in portugese time...

my sleeping pattern is dead. gn is sound asleep while i'm hogging his com and watching e tv in his room at 350 am in the morning. this is the crazy life i didn't expect i would be leading. decadence. -blah-

a quote.

a friend reminded me of how the title of the move came about... well here it is...beautiful ain't it?

an excrept from Eloisa to Abelard by Alexander Pope



How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;
Labour and rest, that equal periods keep;
"Obedient slumbers that can wake and weep;"
Desires compos'd, affections ever ev'n,
Tears that delight, and sighs that waft to Heav'n.
Grace shines around her with serenest beams,
And whisp'ring angels prompt her golden dreams.
For her th' unfading rose of Eden blooms,
And wings of seraphs shed divine perfumes,
For her the Spouse prepares the bridal ring,
For her white virgins hymeneals sing,
To sounds of heav'nly harps she dies away,
And melts in visions of eternal day.

the cure?

panacea. addiction. these are the only 2 words i can use to describe this game. i'm supposed to be retired, a relic of the past. that's what i've been telling everyone, frm darius to firas to james. but after 1 week of moping, lookin for answers and not finding them, 60 minutes of rugby makes me feel that i don't need to find the answers anymore. for that 60 minutes, you don't matter. like i used to say, this is my escape, the hole i go to hide from you, who i can't talk to. somehow now i need it more than ever.damnit i gotta weed myself off this addiction.

aged.

you know. i'm getting too old for this. at the ancient age of close to 18, i feel i can't play rugby anymore. -argh- go combined schools and get raped by SAFSA. whatever la just bring it. this boring life where girl's are a drag needs some serious kick in the ass.

i need to study...seriously

was looking at e university admission statistics with ben today. Columbia had an acceptance rate of 11%, gosh will i ever make it there??? then again there's always new york. hmmz georgetown. whatever it is, i'm goin to study either political science/econs/international affairs. which gives me the career options of:
1) professor - boring
2) investment banker - richess galour/fly first class all e time/challenging
3) economist - omg...sian
4) CIA agent...wooh that's better than option 2 rich/first class/secrecy/challenge/risk

i think i'm day dreaming. someone slap me, i don't know what to do with my life anymore.

if only that just ain't true...

No man is an island entire of itself; every man
is a piece of the continent, a part of the main
John Donne

if only man were an island, god-willing, life would be so much easier. but man is a social creature. just like the buddist way of thinking of good and evil being part of a whole, so is happiness and sadness; love and hate. Passage to India philosophy. speakin of that i ought to get down to readin it. its actually a way cool book. damn should i make a come back? think i shall.perseverance. slowly. i'll think of something.

hello there. the angel from my nightmare.

thanks for all the ideas and councilling donald and cat, i'll need to sit down and think about everything now. though i claimed it was a different kind of courage last night, i;ve come to realize that its actually the same. the same wilingness to stand out and sacrifice. i will think of something, i'm not giving up so easily. even if at the end of the day it doesn't work out, i tried and its just not meant to be. sometimes that's the way love is. now i need to find a way to talk.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Corinthians 13:4-7

learning to play this song on my new acoustic guitar. it just rox.
So lately, I've been wonderin
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone, you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
And between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

[chorus:]
If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
The way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall
It would fall upon us all
Well I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

[chorus]

Runaway with my heart
Runaway with my hope
Runaway with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart and your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time

[chorus]

If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go

dream.

sometimes when you dream, you have flashbacks of past memories flowing back into your unconsciousness. in monochrome playback, i saw myself on the brink of breakdown only to be hauled up by the seniors who believed in a dream so much that they would give their lives for it, and they were not going to leave anyone behind. when they failed, i remember that Iwo Jima-like symbol clasping the flag with an outpouring of tears. somehow in the dream i saw myself crying too. then i felt so much to be part of something great. now i feel part of nothing but dreams and memories, an anachronistic being.

to falter is not an option.

experience tells me that to be the best, one must exhibit biting determination and spartan discipline to surmount insuperable challenges. what made Sparta the most feared of the Greek nations was the great emphasis they placed on their discipline. you were disciplined in your chase for the gold. now that it is nicely kept in your trophy cabinet, it doesn't mean your discipline has become redundant. its time to read your books, do your homework, study, swim the laps, run the miles, lift the poundages and bear with the pains of a diet. you have fooled around too much for the past 1 week, aimless & ill-disciplined in your actions.time for change.cloying sentimentality is only for the weak. remember, the weak. you're not supposed to be one of them.i will change. with debonair grace, i will.

I'm not a perfect person
As many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why i need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You [x4]

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

to do list for this "holidays"
1) Dictators + Russian Revolution
2) Metroland PC
3) Maths tutorial 21: Complex numbers
4) Maths tutorial S3A
5) Maths revision
6) 20 dollars worth of UN readings
7) Fall of Communism
8) god knows what there is to study for econs...
9) earn my national colours

e nicer things
1) GYM LIKE HELL.
2) Passage to India - finish reading
3) End of the Affair
4) Da Vin Ci Code
5) Revise decline n fall
6) go for coffee with wee ping n james
7) dinner + lan with the ruggers
8) dwarf hamsters from weiming
9) digi cam.
10) ipod mini

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

caught the movie with gn and fahyik today, charlie kaufman is one helluva script writer, the epitomy of brilliant screen play. compared to his previous film, adaptation which won some award, this is the epotheosis of brillance. besides the idea behind it was really simple, memories make us who we are. love lost, love won, sweet victories and bitter defeats they shape the fabric of our very being. all the memories i have, i'll never want them removed... they make me...me. when i was watching the movie, i thought of what it would be like to erase you from memory, but nothing's even began, there's nothing to erase. you might know, you might not know, i don't know. between us, i get e feeling that you really need to concentrate. i rarely get a reply on sms, -shrug-you even stopped writing. i'm like a dying vine twirled around your little finger. but it ain't e time to try, maybe one day it will be all ok. one day. someday.

the moment i got out of e cinema, wham! right on cue i saw beebam and diyan enterin Lido 1 to watch day after tomorrow. i ran for the counter bought the R11 ticket n joined em. cool effects, sweet stuff between the kids, but apocalyptic films are just not my genre. it was cool to catch a movie with em, haven't relag with em in ages. went to al-azhar with jimmy, bee n diyan after that...just like the good old days. ate and talked cock for damn long. it felt just like 2 years ago, just that we were no longer in chinese high, no longer together everyday. despite the time n changes, they're still very much a part of me. that's the way its going to be. hahaz when we saw james at e bus stop we thought it was some fat old man in a singlet running towards us. hahahaz

been thinking bout it. after celebration dinner with e ruggers on sat, i'm going to start my action plan to get e best physique i've ever had in my life. diyan lost hell lot of weight, i'm sure i can do it too with lots of weights/swimming/running. oh and i'm goin to check out the guitar, hmmz watch more movies, do my 1 undone maths tutorial and 1 PC, submit the form to drop S paper, and study for my Cts...gn and i we're going to get 4As by the end of year man.in life the simple things count, brothers, friends, fitness and self. still, you're on my mind, for now i'm just waiting for when the time's right.

nickleback - someday.
Nothing's wrong
Just as long as you know that someday I will
Someday, somehow
I''m gonna make it alright
But not right now
I know you're wondering when
You're the only one who knows that
Someday somehow
I'm gonna make it alright
But not right now
I know you're wondering when