Aficion

everyday you learn something new. while reading Fiesta, i picked up a Spanish word - 'aficion' - passion. sounds familiar doesn't it? think harder. Hemmingway's writing is so geared towards the male psychic. through irony he captures the jealousy, the love and the hopelessness of Jake who's in love with someone he knows he cannot be with. the matadors and bullfights have some place in it all...what i'm not too sure yet...but i'm sure the epiphany will hit me soon.

on another note: i want to live in an apartment in the heart of a metropolis with a concierage and other assorted facilities, overlooking the Hudson, Central Park, with the statue of liberty in the background. - Donald Trump building? yes i think so. no need for the penthouse, just the apartment will do. something like Hemmingway while he lived in Paris overlooking the Seine. oh yes and i watch Barcelona vs Real Madrid in the Nou Camp. wonder when...

can't not see you

the thoughts swirl in my brain this bittersweet life is sustained by pure hope, dreams and friends.i run myself ragged whenever i can, focusing on the game, on the now. its easier that way because behind every thought, every dream i can't not see you.

In the long run we're all dead - Keynes

SHORT RUN BENEFITS PLEASE. - JUNREN + BENEDICT

destiny

when i was sec3 going on sec4 in chinese high, my mother wanted to send me to Calgary to study. she said, "can skip grade," "easy to go American/Canadian university," "if lucky you don't need come back do NS can be Canadian citizen." i said "no, i want to stay and go to rjc to play rugby and to win. that's my destiny."

a big word used by someone who hardly comprehens its true meaning? i believed in dreams, i still believe in dreams. unflinching faith will lead to destined rewards. no i'm not just talking about my American dream. its more than that now.

i don't know what's running through your mind. do you really want to? i should have been selfish and said no, it sucks, pls don't - instead i encouraged you because it would be better for you and i don't want u to go through this painful shit ass 'study your brains out' system any longer. its all so nice and dandy, but all so screwed up at the same time ain't it?

"And all as we've got to do is to trusten, Master Marner- to do the right thing as fur as we know, and to trusten. For if us as knows so little can see a bit o' good and rights, we may be sure as there's a good and a rights bigger nor what we can know - I feel it i' my own inside as it must be so." - Dolly Winthrop in George Eilot's "Silas Marner" i will trusten like i have always done so.

lightning

lightning flashes amongst the clouds of night, isn't his creation beautiful?
"if it happens again, i'll press the button." two seconds after, his grace lights up parts of the dark night again. the tone rings in my ears. the voice on the line goes, "hello." and life is more wonderful than it already is.

treats that don't cost money

no. 1 : getting a ride to school in sheila's brother's sports car
racing to school at speeds of 70 or 80 miles an hour, jinking in and out of the traffic with black rap blasting in the background does wonders for one's downtrodden and oppressed state of mind. throw back your chains! taste the freedom!

no. 2: walking alone in the rain
after the mind numbing pain of maths paper 2, yes -gloat- all you science people who are going to get A...i'll be satisfied with a humble B, the drizzle is like a cleansing of the 'Great unwashed', refreshing with its hint of romance and hope. In a Wordsworthian view, a hope for growth.

no. 3: sitting in the canteen with the ruggers n chums - not for everyone
as the clock ticks down to the math paper2, i am trying to get last minute math tuition from Donghoon, on the side there is gabriel, sherman, tziyang, victor and later justin lum. "aiya don't study la fail with me." "so did he tell u that the first time you all were in j1?" "no wonder it sounded familiar. ..|.."

quotable quotes from Friel/Forster/Waugh

i think everyone should read Passage to India and understand it on a philosophical level. read on and you will understand why...

Decline and Fall
"Am I going to die?" asked Tangent as he fills his mouth with cake.
"Tangent's foot has swollen and turned black" said Beste-Chetwynde with relish.

ahhh...my favourites for this book
Grimes is "in the soup" and blames it on his "Temperment" but he will survive cause he is both a "cad" and an "immortal!"
"engulfed in the mystery of Egdon Mire, he will rise again somewhere at sometime, shaking from his limbs the musty integuements of the tomb."

Prendy's "blood thirsty death" passed unnoticed and is discussed in a funny adaptation of a hymn, "damn lucky it was prendgast might have been you or me!"

"elimination of the human element from the consideration of form."
"Man is never beautiful, he is never happy, except when he becomes the channel for the distribution of mechanical forces."

Translations
Urbs Antiqua Fuit...a race spring from Trojan blood to someday overthrow these Tyrian towers a people - late regem belloque superbum (kings of broad realms and proud in war.)

it is possible for a civilization to be imprisoned in a linguistic contour that no longer matches the landscape of fact.

certain cultures expend on their vocabularies and syntax acquisitive energies and ostentations entirely lacking in their material lives.

bossom? diana, the huntress, she had two great bossom.

and of course... to remember everything is a form of madness. confusion is an ignoble condition.

Passage to India
Pathos, piety, courage, they all exist, but they are identical and so is filth. everything exists, nothing has value.

Poor little christianity and all its divine words from "let there be light" to "it is finished" only amounted to boum

nothing embraces india..nothing, nothing...

constrictedness of the crude version of the christian cosmos.

Plotinus - Enneads - forster's inspiration " Seeking him: seek nothing of him outside within is sought which follows upon him: Himself do not attempt"

"God is not in space, as art depicts, space is in God."

"God is everywhere present, but absent from all save those with a kindred power to see as far as God may at all be seen."

"the individual in any form, though more greatly accesible to our cognizance, does not in fact exist."

"absence implies presence, absence does not mean non existance."

"God is, was not, is not, was."

"when evil occurs, it expresses the whole universe , similarly when good occurs."

John Drew "Language forces Forster, no less than Plotinus, to use the terminology of negation."

after centuries of carnal embracement, man is no nearer to understanding man.

the flames approach and strive to unite but cannot because one breathes air, the other stone.

perhaps it is futile for men to initate their own unity, they do but widen the gulfs between them by the attempt

tarot cards

this is who i am

You are the Chariot card. The Chariot has the
energy to succeed. Their ambition and drive
leads them into competition, and they often
come out the victor. The fast-paced energy of
the chariot is met with the ability to control
and lead. The Charioteer's leadership is not
authoritarian but rather an attempt to bring
their team to victory. The Charioteer can be
obedient to those who have proven themselves in
a position of leadership. Physical prowess and
activity are important to the meaning of this
card. Travel is found here as a journey of
personal growth. Moving from one point to
another in attempt to find a better place may
be taken both literally and as a metaphor for
the inner self. Image from: Dorothy Simpson
Krause.
http://www.dotkrause.com/art/tarot/tarot.htm


Which Tarot Card Are You?
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this is my current state

You are the Death card. Death is a stage in the
cycle of life. Without death, there would be no
room for new things to grow. When you receive
the Death card in a tarot reading, fear not;
Death is only an indication that transformation
is about to occur. Death allows us all to
evolve by removing that which is no longer
needed. The end of one cycle makes way for a
new one. Old behaviours and patterns which have
tied us down are released. Death cleans house
so that we don't have needless drains on our
energy. In Death's ruthless destruction there
lies compassion. Image from: Danielle Sylvie
Taylor
http://members.limitless.org/~morpheum/gallery.html


Which Tarot Card Are You?
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stuff that sticks in the mind

George Eilot, "Silas Marner" - " we see no angels now.but men are led away from threatening destruction: a hand is slipped into theirs that leads them gently forth to a bright and calm land."

John Donne, "Valediction: Forbidding Mourning" - "No tear floods nor sigh tempests move, twere prophanation of our joys to tell the layetie our love...As stiff compasses are two...when the other far doth rome, it leans and hearkens after it And grows erect as it comes home."

Astrud Gilberto/Claus Ogerman

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words hold my hand
In other words darling kiss me
Fill my life with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I hope for
All I worship and adore
In other words please be true
In other words I love you

chicago songs are so nice, but so painful...

those times.

there were those times when we used to go all over singapore, looking for great food, exploring all those cool places like Jalan Kayu amongst others...

there were those times when we used to go to school in our khaki shorts and metal buttoned shirts, drinking bubble tea, eating at coro, oh and you blew up my microwave oven with mozzarella cheese.

there were those times when we used to rule the gym, times when CCK was our hunting ground and yeah i would always be late. and all the fun we had feasting, crapping at 6th avenue coffee.

there were those times when we ruled those fields with our dominant brash style that oozed class and arrogance. as it sailed through the posts we broke out in jubilant cries of joy. drenched in rain, sweat, tears and blood - we did it.

now what do i have but memories? i often wonder, alone.

Dreaming On

i wish i could be out there the way i used to be. teamwork.domination.pure guts. where i am now, it doesn't take as much to do well. its just mugging, mugging, mugging... any loser can do that. many make it their life. its eating away at me, with the passing of each day i'm a little less a person, my mind stuffed with stuff that can be easily looked up, sitting in a room writing pages upon pages of it,instead of being out there tackling, running, screaming, breathing and more importantly - living. a dream of that fuller life out there beyond the horizon. dream on, dream on, dream on, dream until your dream comes true....

the piazza

there is this starbucks which is just fantastic to mug at. hardly that many people go there at all, those that do are usually expats who have nothing better to do cause their executive paychecks ensure that they don't have to work that hard. (that's my goal in life.) more importantly it has this 'piazza' effect. very chilled out and relaxed. latin jazz music and an ice blend or hot chocolate would make an ideal combination for mugging (yes, sad.) at my own relaxed pace. compared to school or 6 avenue or KAP which is dead stressful. school is ranked most stressful though, can't study there at all. i feel so guilty whenever i do cause everyone else is just so hardworking.tomorrow i shall return there, to chill out and maybe read my international history.

prelims? huh? what? -no comment-

.

for the second time, i read the letter on the way home on 75. i could see him sitting on the sidewalk of the Starbucks in the cold night air, surrounded by sky scrapers. it goes..."cherish the present..the times spent with the others..."but we are all trapped here, with the walls closing in on us inch by inch, day by day.

as the song goes "If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere.." America has always been land of the free, home of the brave, the shining light of countless dreams. nothing the government says or Al Qaeda does can ever change that for me. make it big there and everyone here has to take orders from you.

"Singapore has to control monetary policy through FOREX because you're takers in terms of global interest rates..."

i'm going back to work some more. it has never ever been this important. i told mr. mc to take my name off the PSC shortlist. i'm not like the rest of you, and i've got to keep reminding myself.i'm just like the thousands of Vietnamese and Chinese who left for America in search of their dreams, their American dream. like them i don't have the money and though the greener pastures are never as green as we thought them to be they still offer us opporunity and hope for a better living. Zi You Nu Shen still holds the same appeal it gave to the Irish escaping the potato famine, the Chinese escaping Civil War,and the Germans escaping Hitler and his Nazi thugs just to name a few, decades and centuries before us. now they're all Americans. the window of escaping is slowly closing, i don't want to rot in the tropical heat anymore. in vinculis etiam audax, Per aspera ad astra. i'll be there soon, wait for me man.

freedom? a glimpse? a breath?

the music - its so different, full of life, lacking in consequences, freedom in the beat, not even a tinge of depression. a breath of fresh air reminding me of what lies out there beyond the oppression of exams and yes...the government. style made flawless by passion.

the voice - over a nokia 6100, static, mumbling,seperated by 12,000+ miles. glad you called...the familiar voice in the land of freedom - alone... but not for long give us a while we'll be over there with you too.

the opposites - studying at KAP i came across possibly the extremes of our age group.

on my left. muggerzoid. classic example of someone who leads a depressive academically obsessive self centred life. 8-5 in the RJC library. 530-11 at KAP. muging for the hmm past 6 months if i'm not wrong.its just a rough guess. yes donald, i am a bastard i know that already. =P and you too benny. what a frame man...seriously...what a frame. guy with shoulders that slope downwards, most probably satay stick-like legs - definite fugly. a diyan invented term that donald taught me. expanding my vocabulary everyday. can't believe SAF chose him to be a commando. the defence of our nation. -sigh-

on my right.my ex-nat team ppl from ngee ann poly just after their school training. rowdy, vulgar, hip, most importantly - fun. last year's trip with them to KL, despite the sucky accomodation and food at Hotel Grand Olympic which isn't grand olympian in standard at all, was super fun. grrr...stupid A levels and prelims had to take me away from all that. did you know in the US senior year is just slightly more stressful, with no big fucking exam at the end of it?

seriously. ..|.. why can't i be in either one of the extremes? wouldn't it be easier to just be muggerzoid or live in slacker's paradise?

my friend

i have a friend called brack. i call him 'malai'. he's from malaysia. yesterday while i was studying with beebam who is also known as duck we found out that while Anwar was released due to the immense efforts of the PRC from Wales, Zhao "Lai Liao" Xiang who is his "lau-yer", malai was imprisoned in woodlands, awaiting exile back to brackland.talking to him over the phone he was still indignant regarding his sodomy charges.."who the fuck are you??"

to go back to being stupid kids again, what would i give man.

the seasons.

in spring, we were free to fly and wander the open fields hunting glory and revelling in the chase.

as spring drew to a close and summer began, we were the Kings who ruled the open fields wearing the scars and arrogance of victories on our sleeves as the green black and white fluttered proudly in the setting sun.

in summer, we lived like there was no tomorrow, watching soccer, suppering, just chilling out without a care in the world though there were thsoe pesky irritating tests right in the middle of the European championships

as summer ends and fall begins, sic transit gloria mundi. the glory has all but faded into a memory, waiting for a glorious feast and gathering to revive it. the freedom of summer is poisoned by the venomous grip of fall. like the leaves of autumn, our lives fade into memories.

tears in a departure hall, good byes at a coffeeshop. what can i do now as i stand alone in these chilling winds, but pull the coat ever closer and draw warmth from a bygone era. they were wrong, autumn here is merely a time of the year, sorely lacking in beauty.

was i wrong?

in reference to chechens and palestinians during GP essay: they're freedom fighters so i explicitly said so and left them out of the equation in my definition of terrorism.

is it possible to tell the difference??? my classification was that the war was against international terrorism - fundamentalism. but now i really have no fucking idea. Are the Chechen's terrorists? tell me.

No. Their activities have been limited to Ingushetia and Russia itself and have never explicitly threatened the free world. Their aim is not fundamentalism, it is independence that has been denied to them for 200 years. They are nationalist in nature, fighting for the independence of the Republic of Chechnya.

Yes. Their activities are brutally violent. They take hostages, they kill hostages, they bomb Russian civillians in the air, in their homes, in hospitals, on their way to work - everywhere.

Then again, it is a provoked war. The Russians annexed the republic centuries ago and they have risen against their occupiers and their process of Russification whenever they could. Without the might of the Soviet Army, Russia cannot hold Chechnya to it.

It has become a modern day 'Afghanistan debacle' for Vladimir Putin. Worse still, the battle is no longer fought on the battlefields of Chechnya itself but in the midst of the Russian Republic. So freedom fighter or terrorist? I say freedom fighter and hopefully whoever marks my GP paper agrees.