I Have No Sense of Responsibility

i am the son no one deserves or needs. the prodigal child looking with longing at far away lands, but i will not ask for any inheritance and neither will i return to seek forgiveness and love.

today i threw away the house keys by mistake and to that my mother remarks with casual contempt and disgust " its alright he just takes this place as some kind of hotel. he's just looking for the reception to replace the keys. everyday he leaves the house early in the morning and comes back late at night to sleep. just the other day he couldn't even be bothered to get out of bed to close the windows even though it was raining. " i did not stand there seething in anger. all i had to say was, "that is true. i can't wait to check out."

woman you were always right when you said i was self obessed/absorbed.i own nothing here, i don't feel responsible for the many things that i ought to. they say its nation first, family second, self last. but somehow it doesn't work for me. singapore where i was born and bred is just some kind of halfway house for me. i do not understand the word home because i don't think i have ever truly felt it. day by day i find myself hanging on to fewer and fewer things here. i am a prodigal son, the tainted, the undeserving, one who deserves no return, one who will never return. i am turning into their disappointment of a lifetime and yet i still think i am right. i am close to being the most horrible person on earth and i can hardly be bothered.

6 Cups Of Tea

and we're back at the same conclusion we have come to ever since last august. soon i'll be outta here. just be patient 1 yr 3 mths 7 days and a few more months. then its byebye Singaporean shadows and hello freedom to achieve the immigrant's dream.

held my own today. it'll get better as the season goes by, now that i have become a drug lord again with my MONSTERMAXX and ANIMALPAK imported supplements from the USA. i'm not there to let you kick my ass. i want to kick your ass.

maybe there'll be once when i do a late one on the scrumhalf or flyhalf n tear his ACL then i'll be like " time to quit old man..." nah.... i'm not that bloodlusted anymore, i wanna win but i don't think i'll go to that extent.doubt it...

got off on monday for holding my own against the MEN today. must go see mr. mc. and mr. rollason to settle my university application, cannot let sherman jack me with his "junren's US university thing since J1" anymore.

1 year 3 months 12 days to ORD then the good life of the future will beckon.

this is how it works here so listen up.

those from far flung parts of the globe ( excluding China ) are 1st Class. those from China and those born and breed here are 2nd Class at best, 3rd Class at worst.

you see, they get paid extra cause they're working overseas. furthermore the company covers the car, maid and accomodation FOC. and you don't see em staying in some HDB in Ang Mo Kio or Tampines ( no offence ). they stay in the rich areas, 6th Avenue, Bukit Timah Road, Orchard area;go to their exclusive country clubs;send their kids to the expensive international schools, namely OFS, SAS & UWC where they don't study half as hard as the average singaporean and they still make it to places like Berkeley, Vassar, Columbia, Upenn and other awesome schools while the locals either sign up to slave the rest of their lives away for the government or end up going to the nearby college. oh did i mention that they serve no national service though they might have lived here for many years? And i haven't even started on the rugby - did i tell you that they love to beat up army men for fun on weekends?

"sometimes we have to lose in order to learn." i remember what its like to lose - and to lose badly. i don't want or need another lesson in this module of life's education. spare me the shackles - i owe this non existant entity that celebrates its birthday on the 9th of August nothing - let me go. you don't need people like me, you've got ur mindless slaves; i don't need your fucking 2nd Class privileiges accorded by a red passport/pink ic/11b. fuck off. burn in hell. i need my blue coloured passport with an eagle on the emblem.

r] 2nd class citizens. ur 2nd rate unless ur expat says:
WAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAHA
| sherman | please help me mr general says:
COMMANDO SERVING US STARBUCKS AND GETTING MOCKED AT
| sherman | please help me mr general says:
HONOUR AND GLORY
[jr] 2nd class citizens. ur 2nd rate unless ur expat says:
suck cock la............
| sherman | please help me mr general says:
from the red beret
| sherman | please help me mr general says:
to the starbucks green apron
| sherman | please help me mr general says:
shows alot eh.
[jr] 2nd class citizens. ur 2nd rate unless ur expat says:
HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

national service. wow.

so maybe some day i'll be driving my own convertible down the freeway at 4am with the oc soundtrack on the stereo reminiscing about the days when i owned nothing of my own and clung on for dear life to the feeble hope that destiny meant for me to be different from the majority.

maybe then i'll realize that all the choices, the mistakes, the defeats, the victories were meant to teach me the lessons i needed to learn and guide me on to my destined path of freedom and power.

the other night, a certain friend was talking about how the those who made it were mere ordinary men. yes they were not gods, they were men. they were ordinary but what made them different was the daring to take risks and chase down their elusive goals.

by making my choice, i have taken the risk, i just pray that at the end of it all it will pay off handsomely.

CHOC. FUDGE BROWNIE! You scored 85% SWEET, 85% CHUNKY, and 59% UNIQUE!

chocolate ice Cream with fudge brownies Very sweet, very wild, and very fun! People flock to this ice cream flavor, just as they flock to you. You love being surrounded by friends and getting crazy together! You could probably stand to calm down a little, but the kind of freedom you feel is inspiring. You really care about the people in your life and party hard, but are open to new ideas and experiences.

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 91% on SWEET You scored higher than 89% on CHUNKY You scored higher than 31% on UNIQUE

Link: The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor Test written by weered1 on Ok Cupid

For thus i leave the world, the flesh, the devil

every weekend out i can feel the distinct hopelessness caused by their servitude to this god damn fucked up nation which they attempt to drown in long games of dota, expensive dinners, large doses of alcohol and night long dancing. continuing to live in the world, but trying to escape it at the same time.
the league's starting soon which means my saturdays will be gone, an excuse to come home n crash instead of being out till the wee hours of the morning. i pray i play well and don't break/tear anything.

Impute me righteous, thus purged of evil,
( God give me strength, passion, heart and courage )
For thus i leave the world, the flesh, the devil

Ages

i wish i was 18.
the glory year where we had fun, we had joy and we had seasons in the sun. now you're all one dimensional slaves of this system that breeds self destructive tendencies. i hate being 19.

i wish i was 20
i'll be 3 months out from ORD. 3 months to freedom. 3 months to a holiday. 3 months to taking my life back from the motherfuckers. i hate being 19.

i wish i was 21
on the way to college. on the way outta the shit hole. on my way to true freedom. my new beginning. i hate being 19.

maybe if i wake up tomorrow it'll be January 1st 2006. that'll be awesome.

"I just want to ORD and fuck off"

i just read a friend's blog which held those exact words. the sentiments of many of us withering in the retarded redundance of national service. i'm having a positive take on the issue, after this i won't have anything to do with the government and armed forces ever again. all you lucky people going off to college this year, you really don't know how lucky you all are. for the scholars i envy the fact that you're cutting short NS now, but when i'm chilling and living far away or back here as an expatriate - then, i'll get to call you stupid for studying so hard and still ending up slaving away for the government in this rat race, not knowing that you're just tiny fish in a big ocean - i will be a whale in a tear drop. but then isn't now. now is something close to a nightmare so till the day i leave....

I JUST WANT TO ORD AND FUCK OFF FROM SINGAPORE

have i ever told you how much i love the design of this blog? its simple, dark, cold and menacing. it represents me.i am someone few people ought to get close to - too many dreams and skeletons in the closet cloud a crazed competitive mind.

i give my heart to rugby, friends, big money investment banking, fast cars, New York City and all my other material dreams. relationships are overrated and undeserving of anything other than my rejection.

Confessions of A Confused Mind

and i realize, i am using confusion to escape facing the decisions that await me. decisions that i should make in order not to throw another person's life into a mess. you have to tell the truth, that your future doesn't lie here, that once your debt is paid you will uproot yourself and move away for at least 10 years. you can give everything you possibly can in the next 1 or 2 years but once the time comes you can give nothing at all but a memory. its sad that it had to happen at this point in life when the pivot turns quickly and changes come in the blink of an eye. but once told its up to them to make an informed choice.

with all the nonsenses going on with my parents, the endless squabbling within the family, grudge against the Singapore society's systems, desire for brighter and bigger horizons, dreams of a far better future - i will definitely go.

my dreams are of porsches, ferraris, villas overlooking scenic ocean coasts, white sandy beaches,power suits, high stakes big money risks, - not an executive HDB flat or condominium, Hondas, toyotas, daily 8 to 5 in a rat race with all the other kiasu small time rats or the scholars who believe that just because they decide to enslave themselves they are the cream of the crop.

no matter what happens in the next couple of months i will still leave at the end of my debt and i dun want to take bits of the past with me.

Father i have sinned.

for all i've said i still have not found myself. but after the events of the past week i have hardened my resolve. i have plunged to the pits and tried to run from it, i must stand and fight. in ancient greece, when a man died they would only ask one question, "did he have passion?" who i want to be, what i want to become - it is all within my control. i have found my idols and this time they're not as close or as humanly vulnerable.

life's a mess and i'm losing touch with the few things that can help me turn it around. i wish i could find my own isolated retreat to train, to instill the virtue of discipline, to become better. its very difficult to see what is so appealing about being part of this mess known as our world.

its nice to sit down and talk about our dreams for the future and how far we have come from days long gone. but frankly speaking, it isn't as great as talking about it the way we did. over some hardcore lifting, cursing and frustration venting.

i know what you need, but all i have is the same word : sorry.