have you ever wondered what plan God has in mind for you ? has it ever occured to you that everything that happens to you was pre-ordained by the Almighty to shape you to assume your role in this world?

walking along life's journey, i have often wondered if God meant to make me different from the lot; wondered if my journey was meant to differ from a normal human being looking for a decent job, decent pay, decent house, get married, raise a family; wondered if bearing a greater deal of the sadness of the world was my rightful calling; wondered if my true ambition of hunting down terrorists represented my real destiny instead of board room squabbles. and i continue to wonder what he wants with me.

was she right when she remarked (on the death of her goldfish) ' one should never invest too much emotion into anything.' is it possible not to invest too much emotion? the idea to stay aloof and uncaring is cool, because you live merely for yourself. but cool as it might sound - it is never possible to invest so little when you actually feel so much.a human being simply does not function in such a manner. and this is in relation to everything, not just love. so at the end, despite all the cool suave sayings we all stay vulnerable. maybe the correct question is how vulnerable? but then again that is proportionate to how much you feel and how much emotion you invest.

so it becomes like poker. you can raise the stakes which represent ur investment or you can fold and cut your losses right now. but time and time again you fall into the trap of calling despite your increasingly lousy hand, when it comes to show hand. i fear you just might go bankrupt.

throughout each and every frame she captivated me with her rugged poise and class - bling bling, tank top, cigarette in hand, and smudged eyeliner. rarely did i glimpse her charming smile today, but the blonde straight hair and smouldering eyes were still to die for. maybe two years ago when i first caught her in Pirates of the Carribean ( which i watched twice ) and remarked there's my first true love - i was actually right.

i read a post on love in a friend's blog. it seemed lofty and idealistic - but then again isn't that what real love is about? in all its forms, loving someone makes you vulnerable, you trust and in the process remove the stone walls and battlements that defend your beating battered heart, inviting them in to stay in the citadel that is your jaded heart. making it a more hopeful and beautiful place to live in. to be cautious is like leaving them outside of those defences and might as well not be called love at all. thinking that love is just some kind of game you're playing is even worse. its like shooting fire arrows and hurling burning boulders at them.

i have never thought of love or rugby for that matter as just some game. love's not there for people like him and you my dear old friend to trample on, its meant to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped as one of the greatest gifts bestowed on us by the Almighty.

with every disappointment, i build stronger defences around my jaded citadel. but its never closed and forever remains open - waiting for its Queen to claim her place. I will never take love down from its pedestal because love, even one sided love no matter how brief or fleeting is still committing to someone other than yourself and making that someone more important than your own personal well being -such moments make life worth living for. because what good is life if you live it selfishly?

my dear old friend, this quote's for you. sorry dude for copying it, i know you read here sometimes, but this friend of mine really needs it.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
- C.S Lewis

Tatler November 2005

my jaw dropped when i walked into cold storage just now. check out who's on the cover of the above magazine.

Puff Puff Puff

walking through life, it seems that these days more and more of my closest friends are taking up the cigs and lighting up. in the beginning, i thought maybe they're doing this because its 'cool'; that its some kind of fashion trend that will pass out in time. but now i realize the parrallels between the society we live in and that of Fitzgerald's jazz age 'lost generation' - the cigarettes and relentless boozing are all temporary escapes from the struggles and painful realities we face. affluence is not an issue, the parents are rich - they can supply the cash, but affluence does not solve having to do retarded NS, heartbreak, stress, shattered aspirations, family trouble, and the list goes on. we're as lost as the lost generation of the 1920s America - pampered, spoilt, lost in our own selfish troubles.
the bottles open and the wisps of smoke float in the air.

and what happened to this Gatsby's generation? they experienced the misery and struggle of the Great Depression, when affluence with its devlish forms of escapism disappeared into thin air, making their former troubles seem like dreams in comparison to the nightmare of lost jobs, no cash, bread queues. and just as they thought the good days were coming back, Hitler invaded Poland. World War II began. And in a matter of months, the Japanese destruction of the idylic Pacific fleet base at Pearl Harbour ensured that this generation found themselves embroiled in a war they never wished to be a part of, on battlefields across Europe and the Pacific. many never returned.

i don't know where my mind is headed and i ought to stop here. i've never smoked a cig and don't intend to, there really isn't any reason to is there? but yes dear friends i am dying from your second hand smoke.

With 'tears and rain' on repeat, i sit here staring into the cloudy star less singapore night sky - wondering how i messed it all up this year; how everything i touched seemed to turn to stone. i try to count my blessings - and they do exist, but they are scarce and there is a huge blanket of darkness that blacks out these small shining stars. i am trying to think of something good that i've done but somehow i can't think of any. i have had a messed up disastrous season that has crushed my self confidence. my scores are abysmal and the dream seems to be slipping from my grasp. my friends are all stuck in camp, getting fucked by their screwed up superiors and instructors. and there are other issues of course.

i just read a friend's blog. moving 10,000 miles away won't solve anything. but can anything ever be truly resolved without a trace of scar tissue? do wounds truly heal completely?

never once this year have i not felt like everything is a wreck and spinning out of my control. not going to OCS didn't matter in the end, but even rugby fell apart when we started a 9 game losing streak after combined schools. i don't know if you all think going into a scrum or a maul against those bastards is like a walk in the park. for your information, every scrum is like a fucking fight to stay alive. now i hate scrumming. maybe now i am starting to understand why J and T told me i shouldn't join em to play in the league back in 2003. everytime i go to the gym or hit a pad, the frustration, fear, anger and hate from all the pain inflicted on me just comes to the fore - i am starting to wonder if i actually like playing rugby or if all i like about the game is just returning the pain dealt to me ten fold. everyone likes New Zealand cause they play a beautiful game, but South Africa is my team, because they are about punishing the opposition and inflicting pain. i don't care if daniel carter or spencer can come up with fancy shit ass moves - but the huge hits by de wet barry and schalk burger that borders on dangerous, 'dirty' and malicious makes me stand up and cheer.

Jake White summised long ago that the typical South African player seeks physical dominance over his opponent -- a raw, aggressive mentality embedded in the country's history

i'm not South African but i believe in the same logic. but you could say that i was born with that instinct. next season, i will stand up to a. d, a. k, fat bastard, m. williams, a. m, stare them straight in the eye and fight them.

but rugby isn't a one man game and more often than not this season, there are too many of us - yes i am going to give them the basic respect of being part of the team - who just can't be bothered to give all out for the team, taking the attachment as a joke. i mean which god damn coach is as useless as that bastard - it was like going back to Anthony Tay the loser back in chinese high. tell me which substitute flanker gets burned by an opposition prop who's been on the field from the start? which god damn asshole can say that he has no mood to train because he's lost his handphone? which dumb fuck gives the ball straight away to the opposition when a penalty is given against his team and his mates have not aligned a defence line? and this list isn't exhaustive. zhuwei was absolutely right when he shouted at him. it summed up the season, the division in this team. for those awesome players that i'm proud to have played with even in this disappointing season, i just hope i haven't let you all down.

how i long for the day i could drop everything here and start afresh 10,000 miles away. now food has lost its taste and alcohol makes me cry because even though i can find many things bestowed upon me by the grace of God that i am thankful for, real happiness is something i have hardly felt albeit once or twice very briefly over the past few weeks. but dropping everything here, getting a new start, will bring no end to this - for its an internal complex that i carry within me, memories do not fade so easily, junren the angst as friends affectionately or not so affectionately know me will never be complete without it. maybe someone can walk into my life and change it, maybe she already has walked into my life - but maybe she hasn't and its all just a dream that i have to wake up from in due time with an abrupt stop, kinda like falling off the wrong side of the bed. in life its all about maybe-s there is hardly ever a must be and when there is one can rejoice. running to some place 10,000 miles away will change nothing, wm has shown that its just like flipping a page and beginning a new chapter in the same book, relentlessly relating to what has happened before... parents, ex-s ( not that i have any ), close friends, accquaintances, anyone who has touched your life.

And Ecclesiastes says it better than any of us:
i gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of the spirit. For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. -

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.
Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

i hate clubfitt gyms. i hate the wannabes who go there. though there are wannabes everywhere, there are more of em there. next time i'll take the dumbbell and fling it in your damn freaking ugly face - wait there really isn't going to be a next time i hope. i need a cali membership. gawd.

so benedict and donald experienced the full force of 'she's soooo hiiiiiiggghhhh...high above me' from me today as i sang along to the mp3 and studied for SATs. poor dudes. hahaha. and i'm doing it again now in front of the com. what an awesome song...

'Cause she's so high
High above me, she's so lovely
She's so high, like Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite
She's so high, high above me

everclear - she's so high above me

i woke up to mild sunshine and cool breeze - a wonderful day - but how wonderful can a day get ?

one more game to go before NRC's over for the year. battered bruised and bashed after 7 games. somehow i'm glad that its going to end but at the same time i'm sad that it has to end like that. the last time i ended a season, it was with tears and laughter as i retired from the green black white whose honour i can say i've proudly fought for in my 2 years of junior college. now - everything has changed. today we'll take it to them, for respect and for pride - i will make my stand.

as i hung up the phone, somehow an epiphany struck me and i realize ming was right. it's all good. i have to let go for now, get my own life in order in the next month - good fitness levels, settle university applications, prepare for the new SAT I, U21 training, maybe 7s training even? i dun mind if i get cut but i just want to become a better player for next year's team. there's the plan. catch on again when the time is right roughly a month from now.

on a sidenote: breakfast sucked. tomorrow i will go in search of a place where i can get french toast, pancakes and waffles with as much maple syrup as i want... just like the way they do in an American diner you know? hmmm i heard of joe juniors. hmm new york city. hmmm..sigh. last resort will be to use coupons for 6 hotcakes at macs. zzzz. all ideas welcome.

an interesting time on msn.

national team coach to sherman:
IS YOUR SUPERIOR YOUR MOTHER? I honestly can't believe he can stop you from
training if you have a medical clearance.
Email me the details and I will write the letter.

sherman on APFC blog:
i suggest a merger
apfc shd find a allgirl club
then we merge
horizontal merger
reap economies of sex

ding: any last words?
me: BRING BACK THE CHOCOLATE.

GG. i wish there were better things to do on a friday night.

heard this song on shafiq's stereo as we were cruising down bukit timah road after training. a song for late nights when you're looking down on the world from your lofty lonely perch - so who will i love when i come undone? there is only one. only me.

Duran Duran - Come Undone
Mine, immaculate dream made breath and skin
I've been waiting for you
Signed, with a home tattoo,
Happy birthday to you was created for you

(can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can't I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces)

Oh, it'll take a little time,
Might take a little crime
To come undone now

[PRECHORUS]
We'll try to stay blind
To the hope and fear outside
Hey child, stay wilder than the wind
And blow me in to cry

[CHORUS]
Who do you need, who do you love
When you come undone
[repeat]

[Verse 2]
Words, playing me deja vu
Like a radio tune I swear I've heard before
Chill, is it something real
Or the magic I'm feeding off your fingers

(Can't ever keep from falling apart
At the seams
Can I believe you're taking my heart
To pieces)

Lost, in a snow filled sky, we'll make it alright
To come undone now

what happens when your life's a complicated mess that you're all entangled up in? what happens when you do not understand why things occur in this manner?
what happens when you're someone who believes that God meant for you to be different - but not sure how?

i'm bored of living here. the same faces. the same people. the same roads. fly me to the moon - let me live among the stars - bring me to the future crowded with NYC apartments, ferraris, exquisite parties, extravagant shopping sprees, luxurious holidays. now more than ever - money and power seem so important - more important than hazy ideals like love and chivalry - but well never more important than friendship. yes friendship above all. viva la friendship ( or however elisha would say it )

can never take their place. i don't care anymore.

i need OC season 2 on DVD. California.. Californiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

the cold is refreshing. the cold is rejuvenating. in the cold i find peace in its freezing solitude.

Deja Vu

so after ingesting box after box of kfc drumlets in typical glutton fashion and letting lu ( no not lulu 1 & 2 - not either of you ) kick my ass in pool we find ourselves sitting at starbucks at wheel lock place.

the distinct feeling that i was here around this time last year just can't be shaken off. the differences - i was sitting alone in the air con section, underneath a pile of notes. today there was lu shahfiq elisha and gang... chain smoking away while i continue to wither from second hand smoke. today there were no notes. but the similarity - there was a problem and it was raining.

as they joked, cajoled, and dared - i sat in quiet solitude staring at the rain drops fall from the sky, noticing the occasional pretty face - that really ain't that pretty - walk by, occasionally exchanging words with lu bout rugby. and the same question as last year drifted around in my mind: what is going on ?

just like last time. i get the same answer from my head. i don't care. i am not of flesh and blood, i have no emotions, there is nothing you can take and break. i am of steel. because there really is much more to life than this. that might be true but might it be true too when everything else is in place?

its nice to know there are those you are tight with, but there is only so much they can shield you from. amos said i'm into the melancholic cause i like nickelback - yes i am - sadness is a natural element of my life. i live with it. bear it. i am its epitomy.

Gamble.

when you stake everything on one roll of the dice and it all turns foul - you experience a profound change as a person not for now or just for tomorrow but for good. today seemed to be a look into the possible future. dear younger brother was right when he said it was folly to gamble in such hazardous circumstances. i know what will happen when its lost. what beats will turn to stone. i know another little bit of my humanity will die, my blood will run a little colder, my mind ever more focused on the money and riches, my body ever more pointed to the perverted artificiality. the dice is rolling... when it stops. i will look in the mirror and see if the horns have grown bigger or the wings purer. then look at thee and judge. and i will judge thyself by experiences past.

like roulette, the dice is spinning still. wait and see. ain't cashing out time yet.

Talk With a Guru

and a simple online conversation can yield so much insight into someone i have come to respect so much this year. raising the bar, self motivation , self confidence.. i will remember your words well. 2 weeks from now i will play so hard that i have to be dragged from the field.

notes from the game. i am perversely happy to watch the arrogant expats.. actually its just the two of them.. in the team take a hammering from the royal aussie army. they look like real fighters and warriors, not like some of the fat assed expat assholes we play week in week out. i wish.. no i will try.. to be like em and maybe someday i'll fix these lard chips and have them stretchered off the pitch.

its not some game. its my first truest love. i don't care if some say its heretical to be so obessed - but to raise the bar that's the only way to go.

today i was fishing for phish in a pool of chocolate ice cream and caramel fudge. can there be bliss greater than eating a tub of ben & jerry's ? yes there can. not eating it by yourself.

a night of drama

dudes i dun think you guys will be forgetting this any time soon.

heard this awesome song by Sting at mcdonald's after...

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we walk in fields of gold

So she took her love
For to gaze awhile
Upon the fields of barley
In his arms she fell as her hair came down
Among the fields of gold

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley
We'll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

See the west wind move like a lover so
Upon the fields of barley
Feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth
Among the fields of gold

I never made promises lightly
And there have been some that I've broken
But I swear in the days still left
We'll walk in fields of gold
We'll walk in fields of gold

Many years have passed since those summer days
Among the fields of barley
See the children run as the sun goes down
Among the fields of gold

You'll remember me when the west wind moves
Upon the fields of barley
You can tell the sun in his jealous sky
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold
When we walked in fields of gold

Game

and as i was watching the sister's Pride vcd - it all seemed so correct so perfect. Game - that's what life is. there are so many ways you can play it. be chilled out, don't take things seriously and you end up the loser. wear your heart on your sleeve, no fear, passion and fire - play. in a game you lose and you win - that is life. living with heart, playing with heart - its the same. its a fire. the fire in the burning desire to live.

the past weeks have flown by and as the Green Day song goes, i have been awoken as september ends and october begins.the debacle at zouk represented the first turning point and somehow life began to have a greater drive and meaning despite well.. the usual complaints. indochine and the pleasent aftermath has also injected a greater vitality into my existence. as october begins, my faith is strengthened that i will actually pull through.

i've had many interesting conversations over the past 2 weeks with people close to me about our hopes, our dreams, who we are, where we want to be, what we're going to do once we're out of servitude... through these months and the months to come i am making the friends that i missed out on in junior college and secondary school -

and of course, there's you. where this ride goes, i have no idea - its wonderful enough to be where i am now.

btw think i'll take up the good recommendation justin made at topman.

back to United States history.

ok V United States history. i am going to do lit it is easier. besides i only need 1, cause i have Math II and Chinese already.

your photographs of sunrise on the Brooklyn Bridge - they make me sad and particularly empty in that spot of my heart. it is so difficult to banish the dreams, thoughts and hopes of being there - being a part of it all. tears roll down my cheeks. i have invested so much expectation into this dream - dreams of the Statue of Liberty in the harbour, of the Brooklyn bridge, of Wall Street, of college there, its in every sinew of my flesh. this dream - if shattered - i will undoubtedly never recover from.