haha - its not funny anymore

these days laughter has a tinge of irony and contempt. studying at changi with weiyang for the better part of the day, i only laugh at mean jokes about FALAs and how we would pack weiming's horrible 'lovers' both small and big, and air freight them to NYC, guessing which would die first. 1205 SQ22 NY-Newark appeared on the departure screen. deja vu. 1600 SQ 20 Los Angeles. a dream. an escape. little kids on the MRT, and the little angmoh kid playing with his grandma at starbucks. they made me feel old. mean-jaded-nasty kind of old, not the wise benevolent kind of old, not the enthusiasm and desire of youth.

taking the long way home from city hall mrt, i dreamt, i hoped and i thought of so many things. when the bus went pass 6 avenue, the idea and the words inevitably came to my mind. thought of asking you to coffee bean but the phone doesn't ring along 6 avenue anymore. and these days i don't speak as much, because despite all the things i want to say, i just don't know how to say them and i don't know who to say them to. lost in this world. begrudging my destiny, serfdom. looking for the way out, looking for outbursts of real emotion.

Tequila Sunrise
It's another tequila sunrise
Starin' slowly 'cross the sky, said goobye
He was just a hired hand
Workin' on the dreams he planned to try
The days go by

Ev'ry night when the sun goes down
Just another lonely boy in town
And she's out runnin' 'round

She wasn't just another woman
And I couldn't keep from comin' on
It's been so long
Oh, and it's a hollow feelin' when
It comes down to dealin' friends
It never ends

Take another shot of courage
Wonder why the right words never come
You just get numb
It's another tequila sunrise,this old world
still looks the same,
Another frame, mm...

and as always....

during my time in rjc, i hardly ever played soccer. today was the third time. first was IFG 2003, 2nd was during PE at the start of the year. though it was fun, i couldn't help but recall IFG 2003. during some lame ass soccer match for arts fac. which we lost, weiming n i were playing defence... haha we literally ran into the med. fac guy from 2 directions...and he flew quite a far way. damn funny.-sigh- walking towards the gym today, - alone. no weiming, no ruggers, no tziyang around...in the short months so much has changed. in that small room with the rusty plates and dumbbells, i think i have grown much in both senses of the word. but now i am so much more alone, trying to stand up confidently against the winds of adversity. far off, thousands of miles away so are you. this is life....if only it didn't have to be like that. if.... i could go on forever.-sigh-

i....we.....nevermind

you asshole! i thought we were not supposed to cry! in the end, all cry like fuck. and yeah that's in reference to you too cheechong. it doesn't matter anymore though. we'll all be ok, every single one of us. in time,everything will be back to the way it was before. 4 mths...it ain't long.. if you ever come by here while ur over there in the Big Apple, this song's going out to you.

Start spreadin' the news, I'm leavin' today
I want to be a part of it
New York, New York
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it
New York, New York

I want to wake up, in a city that never sleeps
And find I'm king of the hill
Top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it
In old New York
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you, New York..New York

New York...New York
I want to wake up, in a city that never sleeps
And find I'm A number one, top of the list
King of the hill, A number one....

These little town blues, are melting away
I'll make a brand new start of it
In old New York
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you, New York..New York New York!!!

Frank Sinatra

stupefied once...twice....thrice

today during lit. lecture, mr. mc explained as best as he could Forster's view of unity in the universe and the individual lives of every single character. I say as best as he could because this subject is something that words are incomplete in expressing, my mind was stupefied in trying to grasp the complexities.

now faced with the simplicity of Albom, i feel lost again. not knowing how to response. briefly wrote the note and slipped it into the book... maybe at 10,000 feet perceptions become clearer. i don't know. i really don't know anything at all.

bon voyage n may every single one of you find what you're looking for.

spread your wings and soar

another one rustles his feathers and prepares to take flight, soaring above the oceans in chasing his dreams.i'm happy for him, its better for him this way anyhow... words fail to express how we feel. Forster was right. on too many important occasions, i have so many things to say but i just cannot put it into words. but when things aren't important i can chatter away non-stop. the last time I was at the airport, I could only manage "take care of yourself," half mumbling anyhow. thursday will come and i will be left dumbfounded once again. still, its for the best.

dreamland protected by stonewalls

We’ve been on the run
Driving in the sun
Looking out for number one
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from
California (California...) o, Cala...
On the stereo
Listen as we go
Nothings gonna stop me now
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Pedal to the floor
Thinking of the roar
Gotta get us to the show
California here we come
Right back where we started from
California (California...)(repeat to end)

~Phantom PLanet.

after hearing some stuff, i really gotta admit, life's pretty much fucked up. wish there was a nicer way to put it. but there really ain't. bad things happen to good people while the rest of the world: bad and ambivalent stand aside as neutral observers, often unwilling and unable to make things better. sometimes don't you feel that you're one of those people? i do. but i don't know what to say or what to do, caught up in my own small life, inconsequential and insignificant but for the people around me.pretty much like Paul Pennyfeather from Decline and Fall in some way. we blind ourselves to the pain and suffering that is in this world because that is the only thing we can do to remind us that life ain't all that bad. maybe that was part of the modernism Waugh was critical about. the ludicriousness of life is often lost on the lot of us, trying to impose an order on this unexplainable chaos. drifting into this fortress we attempt to build for ourselves, this castle where our friends and family live, and the dark and evil creatures lurk outside and beyond our battlements. what happens when the evil creature known as reality breaches our walls bringing to us all the ills of this world. what do we do then? stand aside and let the flood sweep us by? alas, my primitive mental faculties have no answer to that question i pose to myself. the heart tells me to stand up against it, but the mind says that it is impossible. I don't know where this post is going and i shall write no more.

on a happier note, Panda aka "Lai Liao" - Zhaoxiang the PRC who went to Wales,and now only speaks the Queen's good english, made it to Cambridge today. another zai kia.

gosh

on friday morning i was reading the harvard prospectus after finishing GP compre when i discovered a page which said no. of olympic atheltes 183, no. of olympic medal winners 75. oh my god, and they're in harvard, don't we singaporeans suck big time??? in my opinion swimming and martial arts are my favourite olympic events, michael phelps is a shen.

discipline. discipline!!! think i shall get a tattoo after A's...it'll be a chinese character...still thinking about it...
and i have a new hero.

Order upon the chaos of life

In decline and fall, evelyn waugh has a tendency make a parody of the world. His ludicrious satire of the modernist world, however, does not stem from pure cynicism alone. Waugh expouses the failings of this world and impossibility to impose the order seen in the past on the chaos caused by the trappings of modern life. To take a different angle on his perspective, the romanticized view of a world lost with the passing of time, is all that is left to those of us caught up in the whirldwind that is modern life. To quote Forster, "Pathos, ethos and piety, everything exists, nothing has value," or does it? discipline in the life of a student of war lies at the heart of the matter. discipline coupled with belief and virtue, values from another time, are possibly the key to living life in a meaning way. it means nothing to be a dumb jock, neither does it mean anything to be a pure intellectual. But synthesis of both in an environment of discipline will mean something.

ramblings....

sitting in a swensen's chowing on $1.39 topless 5 ice cream talking about things that don't matter is fun, but the guilt it induces at the end is tormenting. its the kind of thing one should do when one has free time to spare, i really should have been gymming or mugging. missing out on ice cream to go and gym or swim, might seem like missing out on the good things in life in exchange for physical torment. but it ain't. its even more fulfilling when u step out of the pool or after gymming, a sense of accomplishment. it takes discipline i guess to impose such a lifestyle. reading TIME magazine, i felt insane guilt. here's someone of my age, making waves breaking records in the pool while i sit my sorry ass in a chair n bum n eat ice cream. "motivation machine," "phenomenal blend of muscle and motivation." i wish i was like that too. i may never break a world record, may never win an Olympics gold, but at least i got to know that i tried to live life in a fulfilling way. if only... "phenomenal blend of muscle, motivation and brain."

and having thrown away a letter from the Firefly scholarship board, i felt like i was cutting my roots and burning bridges. but its good to know that these are the bridges that you don't ever want to use. for freedom. for big money. for being a somebody instead of a government lackey. and yes, for being a quitter. they say winners don't quit and quitters don't win. well i don't even want to run the Great Singapore Rat Race, let alone win, so might as well quit. and here's 2 fingers to your face. ..|.. ..|..

the end is in sight?

comforting thought... with 32 days till prelims and my friends leaving for the States. bleah

Maroon 5 - She will be loved
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise, it moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window, knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

in Passage to India, which is the best lit text i have studied, Neo-Platonic thought subscribes to the view that all union in the mortal world is but temporal in every sense of the word. these days i wish i could just withdraw into my own shell of contemplating and training for the trials that lie ahead. but John Donne is right, "No man is an island, every man is part of the Continent." life is a paradox. Friends ends in a few weeks, though i already watched the ending still... why do all the good things in life have to come to an end?

on another note, my friend told me about tearing during NDP today when we were studying. i for one, have been brought up loathing the edifice the entire system was built on. hypocritical meritocracy. i have not watch NDP for the past 4 years and i don't think i ever will again, i do not say the pledge in the morning, i am helluva jaded idealist. Tim msg-ed me during NDP, "jingoism the bastard brother of patriotism." But then again the quote fit 19th Century Europe appropriately but can hardly be applied to Singapore's context, because most people are hardly even patriotic, let alone jingoistic. to my memory only India, China and the USSR have NDPs apart from us. showcasing their nuclear missiles and military might, well at least that might be something one can take pride in, we can blow you up if you don't see eye to eye with us. here we have a mouse that squeaks and puts on dances in the hope of creating a national unity out of hardly any form of struggle. despite the horrendous reality of the situation, the fact is that blood has to be spilled and it is this common loss and suffering that bonds peoples into a nation. mistakes might occur along the way for man is never perfect but even that is an experience. nations are never created over night, not even over decades.so go on bragging, you have never sacrificed your flesh and blood on the altar of freedom for ideals that the nation was built on. so what is there to be proud of? maybe the ideals of "pragmatism and rolling in the dollars" ? hardly fitting. and we're not even talking about the mandarin form of government which entrusts the nation's future in the virtues of someone who could be flawed, instead of the people's right to rule. so here's to 39 years of pragmatic money making by Singapore .inc. The Republic is dead. Long live the Republic.

no more beer

i will not drink beer again. i dislike beer. my substitute for the piss coloured substance? Bourbon coke. Jack Daniels and Jim Bean. Kentucky straight bourbon whiskey

Growing old?

now that i am 18 i shall make this grandieose list of things that i have done; things that i want to do and things to do before a certain dateline...hmmmz... 25.

Things that I have wanted to do and have accomplished
1) passed my PSLE with a proper score - 280 unbelievable hahaha
2) beat RI in 'C' Div nationals - yep.
3) get exempted from 3 examination subjects in the sec2 EOYs - check
4) make it to triple science - check
5) survive secondary 3 despite struggling with bio, math and physics - check
6) get over someone in the middle of sec4 - check
7) do weights often despite preparing for O's - check (and i shall do it for A's too)
8) do well for Prelims and O levels to make it to RJC - check
9) survive skipping classes and not getting along with class in J1 - check (but now i know that you guys rock!)
10) Get 1 'S' Paper and pass math for Promos - check
11) play for the national team - erh...check? we got our ass whoped
12) Win the A division title with Raffles Rugby '04 - CHECK (WE WHOPED EVERYONE'S ASS) [check section on people i would like to thank]
13) do what's right by explaining

Things i will never be able to do -sigh-
1) run away and join the French Foreign Legion
2) go to West Point/Annapolis/Colorado Springs
3) be a running back
4) play ice hockey
5) be a kid again

Things that I didn't do
1) get attached HAHAHAHAHA....what a LOSER...but its ok
2) win the 'C' and 'B' divisions and 1 more 'A' Division title
shit i can't think of anymore!!!!!!

Things that i intend to do
1)Do well for Prelims and A levels - 4As GP A1 [DAMN SOON]
2)Matriculate in Georgetown's Walsh School of Foreign Service [2006]
3)Go clubbing in a wild place! Bali? Hot Australian chicks! KL Zouk? anymore suggestions? [end 2004]
4)Go on holiday with my friends
5) Watch the Rugby World Cup '07 in France
6) Backpack Eastern Europe ( Warsaw, Prague, St. Petersburg, Moscow etc. )not sure when
7) work and live in America after i graduate
8) get married ... ok must get girlfriend first...
9) earn a starting basic pay of 100,000 US dollars a year
10) Be a CIA analyst/investment banker/etc. those sorta jobs....

Now i would like to thank...
my parents, and my friends, specifically everyone who has shared a class with me from primary 6 till now or I know in some way or another like e ex-chinese high ruggers like chaozhang,mervyn,aaron,mikail,mark etc., Hc polo guys, rj hockey guys, hua zhong di-s of class 2002 esp. Beebam, jimmy, donald, benny, terence, arif (though i have not seen u in a long time),and many many more you all know who you are! those of e class of 2001 like jiale, derui, hongcheong, brendan etc. all the teachers who have taught me, esp. e memorable ones like ALL MY SEC4 teachers, mr mc., mr rollason, mr leong, miss chen, mr purvis who taught me a few classes on the spiritual and religious nature of Passage to India. oh and all the coaches who have coached me, marcus, ray, damien, faizal... RJC peeps, basically everyone who i say hi to in school! sheila who fetches me to school. heh.. my class esp. weiming weiyang cheechong tim lynette brandon oh n clara tung who's in NJ now! other friends like gillian, yaxin,alison, and many others! last but not least...Raffles rugby '03 n '04. couldn't have asked to serve with better men than you guys were. mr. chew, ningyan, tziyang - he's da MAN, justin - we call him satan, frodo, sijie, sherman, david, alvin tan, daryl, joel-s, e muds, oh and all the ancient seniors too. this list could keep going on cause all these people have shaped my life and i'm thankful for every bit of it.

positive note of being 18: life's ahead of me and i have a rough idea on how i'm going to lead it the way i want to.legal age for alchohol. HAHHA
negative note:gym entrance is now 2.50 =|

happy birthday to hongcheong and albert who have birthdays on august 5th too!

18

there is an episode of Friends Season 7 episode 14 which recounts how they all celebrated their 30th birthdays. well 30 is far away for me but 18 is 2 days away. but the point i want to make is best pointed out by joey:
[crying] "Why god why?? we had a deal! let the others grow old not me!"
on chandler's birthday...
[crying] "not chandler! we're all getting so old! why're you doing this to us!"

i wish we all could remain at 17, friends forever and forever hanging in this balance of being neither completely a petulant child nor a full blown adult. and i wish and wish and wish......

the timer is ticking...

D-Day Version 1.0
ETA: 40 days and counting