Alcohol is a depressant

that's what the scientists say. the social circumstances under which one consumes alcohol however, has a larger effect on what the alcohol is supposed to do. 2pm on a sunday afternoon and my friends call me from New York, one of em is piss drunk, lost the plot as the other continues to mix drinks as they pass the phone around. i opened the closet and took out my huge stock of liquor, finally settling on Jack's whiskey. on the rocks, of course. at this age when you're unsure of what you're doing, when you're torn, distressed, afraid, angry, frustrated, scared, lost - one won't settle for less than hard liquor.

i HATE WHAT I'M DOING, i HATE WHAT I'M BECOMING, i HATE WHERE I AM, i HATE CONFORMING TO THIS FUCKING SYSTEM, i HATE IT THAT I DON'T HAVE MY OWN CONVERTIBLE, i HATE IT THAT I'M NOT A RICH SPOILT BRAT, i HATE IT THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS, I HATE THAT THERE IS THIS OCEAN BETWEEN WHERE I AM AND WHERE I WANT TO BE,I HATE IT THAT YOU GUYS ARE THERE AND I AM HERE, I HATE BEING ALONE. i want a fresh start away from here. lead me from here. to the shores of freedom where everyone lives. happily or not happily ever after.

5 hours later.......
its not because i love the future so much but its because i cannot re-live the past that was so fantastic. i would never exchange everything i went through in junior college to improve on my single B. i miss raffles rugby, the drive, the traditions, the friendships, the times spent, our table, friends at our table, friends in school but i've got to move on. question now is to what? amibitions and new beginnings are on hold because i can't go to college till at least a year later.

i need to focus on playin rugby. discipline. i can't afford late nights on the com, late nights out on saturday and friday with the army boys. maybe then time will pass much faster and this horrendous year will skip by.

if i ever had to grade which was the most terrible of my 19 years of life. i would say this year will win hands down. problem is, its only halfway through.

Where Do I Stand

the past is distant. it feels like a dream.

the future is distant. its as far as another planet.

the present is here and now. worse present i've ever received in my life.

focus. maybe it will make time pass faster. please speed pass me now. i want the future.

i love this song!

See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl

Think what that money could bring
I'd buy everything
Clean out Vivienne Westwood
In my Galliano gown
No, wouldn't just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town....
Gwen Stefani feat. Eve- Rich Girl

i just wanna be like that. i dun wanna be well to do, i want to be filthy rich. in the past, one would say next time i'll drive a car like that as one points at a BMW on the street. now we have friends who own BMWs, Mercedes, SUVs; friends who can take as many overseas trips as they want; friends who can afford their own overseas education of 300,000 SGD without scholarship or loans and this materialistic list could go on and on to cover fashion ( and i dun mean quicksilver/ripcurl/mambo/topman - i mean ArmaniXchange, HugoBoss, Prada, Polo Raplh Lauren etc.) laptops - everything. those of you who already own/enjoy these perks won't be able to understand what it feels like to look on from the outside. there are people who can go on to say i'm material or that material things and love don't matter because someday you're gonna die - you can go fuck yourself in the asshole. material things aren't everything, but they are something. since years ago when this feeling began to become apparent in me, i've been deadset on becoming an investment banker. nothing's changed. its all about the money and the satisfaction of playing with it. And i'm going to do it where a large proportion of the world's assests changes hands. "my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world...I'd buy everything...No, wouldn't just have one hood
A Hollywood mansion if I could
Please book me first-class to my fancy house in London town"

seems like everyone's either got their places in their course of choice or sitting on the edge of their seat waiting desperately for the results - everyone except me! holla out to all those school-less people! technically that makes me a dropout. amusing. but it doesn't matter cause i'm of a different breed and species.

its been an interesting couple of days. was out with sijie n zhihon on friday night. caught up with zhihon after sijie left for a birthday party and had a refreshing new perspective on life. SMU doesn't seem to be such an easy place according to him. Oh well i don't intend to go there anyway. he's got his own place near to the new campus too which is way cool!

went to watch the juniors train on saturday. talked to them for a while after that and asked coach to help me write a recommendation for my US applications. thankfully he was enthusiastic about helping me out. boys you're good enough to keep the Cup you just have to show those s-o-b-s how its suppose to be done next thursday.
caught the FA cup with Gn and gang @ CHIJMES, saw the whole of the Singapore rugby Nat team at father flanagan's, met josiah, terence, rayner, ravin and others too.

watched Star Wars III. everyone has their own say but i still like Anakin Skywalker because he is the most human of all the characters. and like all humans he makes mistakes. turning to the Dark side in order to try and save Padme from his premonitions, he was just blinded by emotion and passion. i can connect to his feelings and understand the reasoning for his transformation. like Padme said at the end of the show, "there is still good in him." misled, blinded and eventually corrupted - the force is strong in Anakin for he is the most human of all the characters because he never tries to suppress his emotion and feelings. that is why it is said that there must be balance in the force. one cannot let go of emotions and feelings completely, neither can one let it blind one's self to what is happening.

skeleton in the closet

i don't exactly have a younger or older brother who can be there to light the path for me or to be responsible for. but i realize i found family somewhere along the road of life. i looked up to those before me who took pride in the same things i did and without knowing it i try to pass on the same lessons to those who come after me. now the boys stand poised on the brink of graduationt to men, their long war drawing near to a conclusion. i've thought of what i'll say to them when it matters. i just wish i was the one being talked to and inspired instead; wish i could be out there on the field fighting with them again. But i can't.

when they said that good times never last forever, they were darn right. he said that after the day of reckoning i'll become a man. more likely, a part of me died right there on that day. its quintessence became part of the moment, disappearing into photos and memories, disappearing into history. the part that i loved most, the idealism, the fire and the aggression. the confident dreamer. they say as you grow older you gain wisdom in exchange for passion. then i never ever want to grow up for gnarled wisdom is a bane and a curse for those merely looking to lead a confident free life of passion.

its time i confronted my skeleton in the closet. i felt absolute guilt when i met them at the various times i did. at SOCE on my first day, at subway, at Al-Ameen. older "brothers" who once lit the way for me back in secondary school. the older "brother" who taught me the his trade of war. where was my pride, my desire and my tenacity? i let go and what i know for sure is i let everyone down, there's the hint of head shaking and disappointment when i spoke to them. i wish it could have been otherwise but would it have been possible tell me? everything was falling apart before my very eyes, i couldn't sleep, i was slipping into depression, every night back there i looked at the planes that flew by and thought of freedom, i thought of friends overseas, of New York City, Bali, Hawaii, Los Angeles, Paris, London, Prague, HongKong... i wondered why i was there in the middle of some godforsaken jungle, what the hell did i do to end up in SISPEC, why did i get rejected by colleges,how am i supposed to get a place in college, what if i don't get a place in the US, i hated a lot of the people i had to see everyday - i hated CSM, i hated stupid kungfu man, i hated dumb fuck who was always late from meals,i hated staff,the list could go on forever. my section with alex, zy and kelven, jaron and jasmeet next door was the only blessing if not i would have definitely plunged into depression outright. i was going crazy and i lost the plot. i stopped fighting for the first time in my life. somehow completing the course or crossing over to ocs didn't seem to matter anymore - pride didn't seem to matter anymore. fire and passion for the fight disappeared. i just wanted to do weights, play rugby and get to watch my junior's games, spend time with them in their last season. it just didn't seem worth it to do shit for SAF. it still doesn't but what i can't accept is the fact that i lost, stopped fighting, gave up. there and then when i gave up, the accident happened...and the rest...well you know the story.

i couldn't find myself all of a sudden then. i tried to find he who always fought the challenge of odds stacked against him without fear and doubt. the one who from being thrashed 110-0 by his opponents, earned the respect of and was part of the brotherhood that raised the trophy for the first time in a long while, the one who topped the school after almost failing Primary 5, the one who got an A in physics despite never passing a single physics exam in secondary school, the one who got A in Maths after failing prelims in JC. he walked out on me when i was in the wasteland, conviction lost to the winds as i was rovered to the medical centre.

Idealism, confidence return to me.now the only confidence i have is when i'm on the field. pray get me out of NS, or let me attach out more to train, - i need to earn my own self-respect. maybe then it'll help to slightly wipe away the way i have disappointed those whom i respect so much.

But right now
Everything you want is wrong,
And right now
All your dreams are waking up,
And right now
I wish that I could follow you
To the shores
Of freedom
Where no one lives

Freedom
Run away tonight
Freedom freedom
Run away
Run away tonight
honey and the moon - joseph arthur ( from the OC soundtrack )

Hi. He doesn't live here anymore.

if you knew him a couple of months or a year ago, i'd just like you to know that he doesn't reside here anymore.he disappeared around six weeks ago when he was seemingly overwhelmed by whatever that was happening around him . Once upon a time, he was aggressive, competitive, filled with hope and confident. That person doesn't seem to live here anymore. I am looking for him too but that tenant of mine seemed to have disappeared from the face of this island.he always mentioned New York and pristine beaches in Hawaii, Cancun and the Bahamas - maybe he just decided to take off without telling anyone.

Now my new tenant is jaded and has a chlidish destructive self indulgence. he sleeps in the wee hours of the morning and spends most of his time bumming around doing nothing in particular at all. I'm going to try and kick him out very soon because I just can't put up with his utter bullshit. If only my previous tenant would come back, that would be the best. i've gotta look for him now, i can't wait till i get to America to do that. then, it might be too late and he'll be lost forever.

We're Toy Soldiers

Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down
Step by step, heart to heart, left right left
We all fall down like toy soldiers
Bit by bit torn apart We never win
But the battle wages on for toy soldiers

this sucks

i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out.i wanna attach out, stay out, get out. fuck this stupid organization. why am i here.

What A Wonderful World

first time i'm listening to this song by louie armstrong in a long while. the last time was kylash singing it on the return leg of the 24km BMT route march when we were pass SISPEC. marching at the back of the platoon with kylash, daniel, mutiah, ashvin, jaya, jason was our usual routine during route marches. singing songs that're totally un-army like.

now a few months down the road, we're walking down very different paths in our NS life. mutiah's slacking somewhere, jason's out of course SISPEC like me, ashvin in sispec, jaya probably cross ocs, kylash and daniel in OCS.i wonder if it could haf been any other way - but i guess not.we'll just keep walking our seperate roads.

sometimes i feel like an utter disappointment. i haf no idea what to say when friends start talking about their army lives - i just smile and listen. don's right and i am picking up the pieces slowly, looking forward to the challenges of SAFSA and the league. the two lessons i learnt out of all this: the nemesis lives within ; and alternatives weaken the resolve, dissipate the focus, bringing about defeat.

those BMT times will just remain a figment of my memory, part of a wonderful world i used to know. time to move on.