expecting nothing from the present, and everything from the future

so it went well. looks like i'm in it with a shot. even if its a long shot. cross fingers - if i make it - gee... the future will be paved with solid gold.

today's interview was really enlightening. life through another lense, enforcing my convictions.

so i have an interview later in the morning at Brewerkz. was just asking myself the customary question which he will definitely ask me - ' why do you want to go to ... ?' giving it plenty of thought for the past hour, i came up with many ideas, strength of faculty, academic freedom, blah blah the usual.. and then it really hit me. the key word for me is tradition.

traditions has always been something i like to hold on to. be it festive traditions, rugby traditions - the haka, rugger's table, standards, image etc. in tradition, i find responsibility and a drive to strive for excellence - to maintain or exceed that excellence.

dug myself groggily out of bed to answer the phone call. oh shit. and in 5 mins i was out of the house in the pouring rain on the way to sentosa. beach touch was awesome fun. and the boys eventually took home the trophy, even though we couldn't have an all-safsa final cause we had to face the A team in the semis. today was a good reminder of what pure fun for the whole family feels like. the sun, the sand and the sea. miss playin rugby cause of stupid influenza. gonna be a gym freak again. mmmmm....

and today i happened to over hear a conversation. if you have no goals, no aims - you won't move foward, you won't feel the drive to put in the blood and sweat, you will feel the burn out. goal setting. yes - i need some short term aims. rugby and physical oriented aims.

elisha as always is good with words - ' if you don't aspire, you can't inspire and you'll most probably expire before date stated.' keyword for me - aspire. yeah to be someone they will fear and respect. this time, i'm looking for inspiration from within.

I pulled my coat around my shoulders
And took a walk down through the park
The leaves were falling around me
The groaning city in the gathering dark
On some solitary rock
A desperate lover left his mark,
’baby, I’ve changed. please come back.’

What the head makes cloudy
The heart makes very clear
The days were so much brighter
In the time when she was here
But I know there’s somebody somewhere
Make these dark clouds disappear
Until that day, I have to believe
I believe, I believe

In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute
You can get out of the rain
In a new york minute
Everything can change
In a new york minute

this song's wholly appropriate.

so its over. its ok girl. i'm fine. we're still going to be friends. and yes the friendship does mean something to me. just make sure we ain't awkward alright? tonight has made me appreciate all the friends that i have by my side, friends who'll have my back when i need em. Ravin, kenneth, tzemeng, shafiq, elisha, the rest of the safsa guys, ashley whom i haven't talked to in damn long - thanks for the chat over greentea at your lift lobby just now really appreciate it, gabriel, ben, weiming the list goes on and on. all of you are cherished. i just read a horoscope and it said that no matter what happens, even if its a short passionate affair, it would be a life changing one. and i would say - yeah. i have come to value rugby, and value my friends so much more because of you and the short times we spent together. its hard to explain but thank you anyway. like you said we're friends still right? no i'm not hoping against hope, i have come to be realist and know how to take no for answer. don't worry i won't bug you till you talk to me first. i'm fine, don't feel sorry for me any of you, i am not even sorry for myself. these kind of things happen in life. and i am taking it like a mature adult. just wanted to let all my dearest friends know, the future is bright and its out there for us to grasp. carpe diem dear friends, make our dreams happen. we're getting there. New York for me and wherever you guys want to be in your life.

oh shabu shabu ahah soon gabriel. i will cook. and it will be awesome.

' As it happened, Baer, who speaks Farsi and Arabic, was a willing conduit into the culture and characters of the Middle East. "Summer was ending and i had to take my daughter back to boarding school in Europe," says Baer, 53. All the players in the Gulf spend August in the South of France, so I told Gaghan, 'Come along, We'll see some arms dealers, some people from Fatah Intelligence, some oil traders.' I wasn't a consultant on the film. This was just a road trip. THe terrorism-arms-dealer-oil-trader tour!

Gaghan, Baer and Baer's then 13-year-old daughter Charlotte met up in Nice. Within a few hours, they were relaxing on the yacht of a former Fatah intelligence officer. Then a representative of the Carlyle Group, the global investment behemoth anchored next to them."it kept getting crazier and crazier," says Baer...."I have no money. I got a 70000 advance for my book - which in their world is a three day trip to New York....

Gaghan felt comfortable enough to ask, "So, you ever kill anybody?" Baer said, "I've made decisions that resulted in people's deaths, maybe hundreds of people's deaths, but i never lost a night's sleep. Never because I had 500 pages of U.S. law to hide behind."... Gradually he realized Baer's candor with a flourish was not affectation but a kind of verbal rosary. Baer had done some bad things, and he needed to reassure himself and others that he had done them for a good cause... I ran across this Victor Hugo quote. 'Exile is not a material thing, it is a spiritual thing."'

TIME Nov. 28 2005 "So you ever kill anybody?"

Quote of the Day

'i don't drink, smoke or take drugs anymore. but knowing my luck, a bird will crap on me and i will get bird flu on the way home." Ozzy Osbourne.

maybe its cause i've been re-watching the episodes of Friends that i have - cause i've been dreaming of snow on the towering skyline by the Atlantic. christmas shopping - the boutiques and department stores - carols and mistletoe. and yes, very queer - but a red 2005 chevy corvette.

and yes i have come to comprehen what Holly means when she said "What I've found does the most good is just to get into a taxi and go to Tiffany's," in Truman Capote's classic that stars Audrey Hepburn.

even the flu bug feels belittled by the bright lights, glamour and glitter of boutiques like Tiffany's. yes still battling the infection after one week.

on the day that you were born
The angels got together and decided
To create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moondust in your hair
Of gold and starlight in your eyes of blue

Lookin’ back on how it was

In years gone by

And the good times that I had

Makes today seem rather sad
So much has changed
It was songs of love that
I would sing to then
And I’d memorize each word
Those old melodies
Still sound so good to me
As they melt the years away
every sha-la-la-la
Every wo-wo-wo
Still shines
Every shing-a-ling-a-ling
That they’re starting to sing’s
So fine

30 hours on. and not a wink of sleep in between. my fingers are trembling as i type this. and we spoke of the questions that plague us - the past, the present and the future. we played normal FT and dota till we have reached a state of delirium. including a game that lasted 140mins. at this stretch of road along Bukit Timah, a quaint row of shophouses, surrounded by malls that are way past their prime - filled with lan shops and pool parlours.

let me tell you how this delirium feels like. it seems like a heightened consciousness and awareness that results from the fatigue and adrenaline rush that creates a physiological surge in the senses.

it is a process of destruction and creation. to create we must destroy.

in the state of delirium, i muttered something along the lines of... the greatest are those who can absorb all the pain, the suffering, the stress, and everything ill that is heaped on them without a hint of complain. and now i must add, destroy it within them, fight on without despair and give to the world all that is beautiful.

i don't want to be mediocore. i have been mediocore all year. and i will change.

i am going crazy.

this is insane. 415am. and we're talking bout going out. sure. i'm game.

dated Saturday November 27, 2004.
ever wondered why over the centuries people have always tried to find a piece of this dream? first came the pilgrims and Columbus, followed by the settlers. later came the slaves and the immigrants. black white yellow and brown - all came to find a place where they could build a future.

friend: " i will have a lofty apartment overlooking the city, then every night we can sit on the balcony in the chilly Atlantic wind sipping on bourbon, watching my smoke spin and drift away, with the whole New York skyline in front of us. "

the American dream.

i'm bored of everything Singapore has to offer. bored of orchard road and its never ending row of shops which i can never buy anything from... for now. Ermengildo Zegna, Prada, Armani Exchange, Calvin Klein when will thee be affordable for me? bored of the lan shops from paradiz to far east to ginza. bored of al-azhar, KAP, killeny's and all food Singaporean. when this ship sails it'll be a very long while before it returns...and i'll miss the only stuff i'll never be bored of: all the people whom i have grown up with and left their imprint on my life, no matter how small or how big it has been.
but to start a fresh, to build a dream, to build a future; it can't be avoided. no one ever said its going to be easy, but that makes it sweeter at the end. maybe then, i won't be bored anymore.

and really after 1 year, nothing has changed. i'm no where closer to achieving this dream than I was a year ago? no, i'm getting there. slowly but surely. the beliefs remain the same. the dream stays the same.

nikhil thanks for the flu.

and i dream of a place and a time, far away from here.

finished Interview With the Vampire. a classic fantasy book. too bad anne rice gave up writing vampire stories. hmmm... so what have i gleamed from the yellowed pages of the book i picked up last week at a second book shop?

a revelation: "You showed me the only thing i could really hope to become, what depth of evil, what degree of coldness I would have to attain to end my pain. And i accepted that. And so that passion, that love you saw in me, was extinguished. And now you see simply a mirror of yourself." Louis to Armand.

now i must read Lestat the Vampire.

Isolation Of the Deep Seas. - Houku Kuwashima

Teach me sadness......

"If you closed your eyes, you won't gaze into sadness."
"If you forget the feeling of warmth, you won't feel pain."

I can't recall that gentle voice
In the depths of my mourning heart.

Someone is calling me from my forgetten past,
Asking me when I will take sorrow into my hands again.
At this moment that will never come twice,
You are all I can see.

A little ship glitters silently in the distant, alone.
Swept away by a torrent of grief, it disappears under the waves of my heart.

Why do I search the ocean depths aimlessly,
For the warmth that I should not have known.

Swaying with the ripples, the ship of life sails on.
Though no stars can be seen, it overcomes waves and advances on.
Beyond the darkness,
You are all I can see.

The waves that we saw are flowing towards serenity,
Flowing to the kindness that disappeared underwater.

I know that there's a future where we will love each other.
Until I take the sorrow back into my hands again,
At this moment that will never come twice,
You are all I can see.

finding peace in the loneliness and solitude of his moon lit room, with the stereo playing tunes of love found and love lost, staring out into the starry night sky. waiting for you and your answers, counting the days ...

Saturday Night

damn. i should be out there now. the two of us just like Louis & Lestat. 'you alone of all creatures can see death that way with impunity. You...aloone...under the rising moon...can strike like the hand of God!'

dota withdrawal symptoms and too much Interview with the Vampire.

some day we'll have better things to do. haha. in the mean time, enjoy.

and thinking bout the way everything's happened this year, i now know what the journey means - the detachment and yes the emotional independence. i can be all alone if i have to, i will still be on my feet.

and its another one of those things that you always knew but never stuck in your head.

once upon a time, there lived a boy who thought he could go out into the world and be anything he wanted to be. the world was his oyster and he could make pearls from everything life threw at him. my dear boy, where are you now? my dear boy, where's all your positivity? my dear boy, where's the sincere smile that once graced your youthful face?

thrashings, F grades, threatened suspension - nothing could make you give up; nothing could plant doubt in you. you knew you were the King. girls broke your heart just like they always do but it didn't matter. the familia was always there to make everything right again. the familia was always there to break any fall; there to reinforce your faltering belief. now where're they? halfway across the world in America, stuck in some fucked up jungle in Brunei or Thailand, rotting in some retarded military installation, stressed up with medicine school...

boy you've been crushed by the events of the year - you cannot understand how something so retarded as fund embezzlement could end one of the things you were really looking forward to - and hardly anyone was there to catch your fall the way they did in the past. but boy be proud, you're growing up, you're dragging yourself to your own feet, you're shaking off the misfortunes on your own - you'll be a man someday. looking up to the majestic heavens, you know God has not forsaken you,you know your own worth, you know you can still be anything you want to be as long as you set your mind to it, you know the redemption and glory offered by pain and fortitude, you know that better days are out there and we'll get there some day. maybe she'll love you, maybe not. maybe life will go back to the days when the familia was as tight as it was, maybe not. but as long as the fire of passion burns you will never yield. you know you never will.and the day will come when you step on the grass on the other side of life, finding the pastures as green as you thought it would be.

next year brings great promise. with the younger boys coming into the ranks, the cadets finally commissioned as officers and gettin to play, a new season and new beginnings, maybe james coming back to do NS, ORD, New York-London-Paris. I am sure tomorrow will be a better day, next week will be a better week, next month will be a better month, and next year will be a happier year. Believe and never yield. it will happen.

the goo goo dolls sum-ed up my christmas wish nicely.
And you ask me what I want this year
And I try to make this kind and clear
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days
Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings
And desire and love and empty things
Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days

nice guys finish last... some never do.

and some were born to walk this road alone. was going to write a happy post about the great food, rugby and of course, friends at shafiq's today. but that's going into the bin. a blog is really a window into another person's life. and tonight, i've read a great number of blogs. gone were the days my friends blogged about the pain of school and exams, the gung-ho 'glory above all' of sports, dreams of going away, most have even accepted the fucked up nature of that which shall not be named. instead lately blogs seemed to be focused on the four letter word no its not fuck ( if only it was but never mind... go figure )i'm happy for you guys suprisingly even for you asshole who taunted dom during interfac. soccer and made avril V. sherman remind me to show you the blog. but maybe its not meant to be that way for everyone. 'i walk this empty street on the boulevard of broken dreams, and the city sleeps and i'm the only one and i walk alone...Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me, till then i walk alone.'

November 5th 2005 - November 5th 2006

364 days till its over.
364 days till we'll be free.
364 days till i get on that plane
364 days till the Big Apple greets me with its smog, dirty streets and intense lifestyle as i step out of Newark international.

the best things in life do not come without struggle, without sacrifice, without trial, without tribulation, without waiting. ' whereever you go, whatever you do, i'll be right here waiting for you, whatever it takes or how my heart breaks , i'll be right here waiting for you.'

we're living in a material world. and i am just a material whore. ain't we all?

if i had a favourite song of all time... this would be it.

Life In Mono.
The stranger sang a theme
From someone else’s dream
The leaves began to fall
And no one spoke at all
But I can’t seem to recall
When you came along
Ingenue

Ingenue
I just don’t know what to do

The tree-lined avenue
Begins to fade from view
Drowning past regrets
In tea and cigarettes
But I can’t seem to forget
When you came along
Ingenue

Ingenue
I just don’t know what to do

Ingenue
I just don’t know what to do

Ingenue
I just don’t know what to do

Ingenue
I just don’t know what to do

Ingenue (fade out)

and that would make Great Expectations my favourite Charles Dicken novel of all time.

"Every Little Thing"

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the Ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

exact words. exact mood.

in the cold empty darkness, pull your cloak ever closer, walk in solitude. seek out a star and keep walking. even if its through swamps, jungles, mountains and oceans -someday you'll get there. bear in mind the big picture. the ultimate goal.