Don't wanna sleep, don't wanna die, just wanna go a-travellin' through the pastures of the sky.

i think i understand one reason why this place is so unattractive as i heard over christmas eve, "this place is so boring." i mean who would wanna go to Zouk or MOS - and there are a lot of other trashy clubs out there like Chinablack - when you could be clubbing without all the ah bengs, ah lians, uptight bitches, and a girl to guy ratio of 1:10. wouldn't it be more pleasant if there was actually space on the dancefloor? wouldn't it be awesome if the ratio was 1:1? and wouldn't it be much better to fall out of a club at 4am with some wild latino, raunchy ABC/ABK, hot caucasian or pretty HongKong girl whose father makes 100 grand a month minimum - all who would be most willing to up the ante to making out, feeling up and maybe even sex which i neither approve nor disapprove because it is between consenting adults. shelf the fucking uptight conservative public opinion. i mean what the fuck uptight bitches, if you don't want to get grinded pick up salsa or ballroom dancing. call me a bastard, a slut, a whore or any other profane vulgarity you can come up with i seriously cannot give a damn because the reason why we have such a boring party scene is because Singapore clubs are strictly BYOC - bring your own chick. cause really, you'll hardly ever REALLY find some.

taking a 10 month hiatus from the clubbing till i land my ass in the Big Apple. figured playing a mean game of rugby and beating the shit out of some white folks would be the way to go, instead of spending 20 dollars and more to dance AROUND - yes take note its AROUND and not WITH - some uptight bitches. i'm not quitting clubbing, just taking a break.

Tell Me What Are Dreams.

Dreams are like money – when you have no dreams you are surely down and out; when you have too many dreams you store them in the vault of your mind, unsure what to do with them. But dreams are also like magic, they have to be taken from the vault and conjured into reality before they taste intoxicatingly sweet.

Dreams are like the time of the day - there are those that live in the day, fleeting and formless like the everchanging clouds those that move in and out of your mind. Then there are those that live by the night, constant as
the northern star, those that warm your lonesome spirit and howl to the full bright moon. Mine live in the dusky limbo - never to see the day or night.

Dreams when taken from the vault and conjured wrongly or left alone turn to despondency.

its what you make it out to be.

by the way, i feel like swimming right now, too bad its 5am in the morning and i dun have a private pool.

Where is the good life?

here i don't know where i can find it. but when i step into the world i probably won't know too. i have a year's time to prepare for the changes. for the life of a wanderer - haha according to looneh, it should be called Global Citizen - Davos man. maybe college will be home. but when the term ends, i'll have no familiar bed, familiar room and familiar house in Singapore to return to like everyone else since i can't call Toronto home though the parents and the sister are probably gonna be there. keeping fingers crossed that it will all turn out as planned. best news i've had in a long time. such an adventure life will turn out to be~! and the good life is really an inner condition. home is more a feeling than a place, though places do hold keys to precious memories. come forth 2006 and may you pass by quickly! come forth 2007! come forth North America~! come forth Toronto! come forth New York! come forth changes! may the world pour into my life! so many places to see, so many things to do!!!! Davos man i will be.

you'll know an awesome and amazing christmas when it happens. this year was cool, last year was cool, next year will be cooler - but yeah not amazing or awesome. Paris, ice skating underneath the Effiel Tower, a carriage ride watching the snow fall on the Champs Elysee with someone special. that'll be miraculous cause apparently it doesn't snow till feburary. maybe someday, someone - no one knows the details - but romance lives as elusive as quicksilver, still it lives.

so it started with dinner at Brazillian with cheech, ming and da. wine at ming's with da cheech n ming till da left and Aaron came. lazy lizard's hoegarden after - not a good experience cause cheech puked all over me. "it was the gas!" ming drove me home and i ran into the house half naked stunning my parents in the process. showered, changed clothes - and i was out again. cruising and crowing out oldies like Lionel Richie's Hello, Glen Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy and Billy Joel's I love you the way you are was awesome. gave the present, returned ming's car to the parents, had a christmas smoke at the bus stop and then headed out to clarke quay cause ming's VIP friends were supposed to get us into MOS which did not materialize. so it was ming cheech ming's NY friend Neil Fong n i playing drinking games at One Night Stand. thankfully there was limited alcohol. ming wanted to run a tab and he ordered one bottle of vodka on top of the shots and beer - luckily Neil went to close the tab and cancel the Stolichniya ( however fuck you spell it my Russian's no good ) or else i think the Government will need to order a clean up of the Singapore river next year considering how Cheech already puked once for the night - on ME i must add. eventually Christmas ended with supper at the usual Al-Azhar cause they don't sell prata in New York. like i said, it was cool it was fun - but not mind blowingly amazing. still it was greatly appreciated.

next christmas i won't be smelling all your smokes n sipping wine in the equatorial heat and humidity of ming's balcony. Christmas in New York, man i can just imagine... like i always tel the boys- better days ahead.

you'll never know what i feel. you'll never know what i've thought.i couldn't talk about it. probably i didn't want to talk about it. didn't want to put you in a spot. because no matter what is said it doesn't matter. it does not matter anymore. but the memories will always be there. i guess its karma. you were the first. and now you're another closed chapter in the book of life.

another 4 months, time passes by quickly.

another year gone by, another 10 mths till ORD, another 11 mths till the Big Holiday, another 20 months till a fresh start.

this place is just too small, too sian, and too boring for me.

they trashed my place upside down after angmoh n amogh started bringing on the magaritas with extra tequila and a hell lot of wine. been a long time since i saw the boys, it was good. sort of cleaned up... yes sort of...before amogh alex n chethan went home n i left for ming's. dude's jetlaged and asleep now with no clothes and no undergarments because American Airlines/Japan Airlines lost his luggage. HAHAHAHA. Big evil has finally returned from the land of the free and the home of the brave. fuck i need to sleep.

thankfully it was not depressing like last week. maybe its the christmas cheer, maybe two bottles of Jose Cuerva with 1 bottle of magarita mixer and 1 bottle of orangina ain't enough - but when we got high we were still full of cheer.its good to know that there's love out there in the world even if you haven't found it yet. haha so after strong magaritas and lots of wine, i wake up the next afternoon in someone else's bed. thanks a lot for coming boys, it was a ball of a day even though most of you were at least 2 hours late.

here's wishing all my buddies a Merry Christmas and happier days to come in the coming year.

6 rewrites and i still can't get it right.

getting you a present for Christmas - same question: does it matter at all?

filling the days till the New Year with happy things to do.

wrapping up university applications

Mambo with ming, cheech, da and everyone else.

Wala Wala chill out with Alex the Unexpected groupie

catch Chronicles of Narnia

MOS with the boys on NYE

then its 2006 and time to be a hardcore rugby player for 10 months.

by then you'll either be in or i'll have written you out

life's full of its unanswered questions - what if? should have? could have? maybe? - and a whole closet of regrets to contend with. all of which doesn't matter.

and then you asked me.

does it really not matter? or do you just want it to not matter?

you hold the answer so don't ask me.

the song that's top of my playlist this festive season.
Aerosmith - Cryin
There was a time
When I was so broken hearted
Love wasn’t much of a friend of mine
The tables have turned, yeah
’cause me and them ways have parted
That kind of love was the killin’ kind
Now listen
All I want is someone I can’t resist
I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed

I was cryin’ when I met you
Now I’m tryin’ to forget you
Love is sweet misery
I was cryin’ just to get you
Now I’m dyin’ cause I let you
Do what you do - down on me

Now there’s not even breathin’ room
Between pleasure and pain
Yeah you cry when we’re makin’ love
Must be one and the same

It’s down on me
Yeah I got to tell you one thing
It’s been on my mind
Girl I gotta say
We’re partners in crime
You got that certain something
What you give to me
Takes my breath away
Now the word out on the street
Is the devil’s in your kiss
If our love goes up in flames
It’s a fire I can’t resist

I was cryin’ when I met you
Now I’m tryin’ to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin’ just to get you
Now I’m dyin’ cause I let you
Do what you do to me

’cause what you got inside
Ain’t where your love should stay
Yeah, our love, sweet love, ain’t love
If you give your heart away

I was cryin’ when I met you
Now I’m tryin’ to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin’ just to get you
Now I’m dyin’ just to let you
Do what you do what you do down to me,
Baby, baby, baby

I was cryin’ when I met you
Now I’m tryin’ to forget you
Your love is sweet misery
I was cryin’ when I met you
Now I’m dyin’ cause I let you
Do what you do down to , down to, down to, down to
I was cryin’ when I met you
Now I’m dyin’ to forget you
Your love is sweet
I was cryin’ when I met you
(fade)

MOS is way cool. well everything except the long queue that is. its just too bad i don't drive a flashy Ferrari/Porsche/Aston Martin/(any other branded sports car)- wait i don't even drive - how pathetic is that. but anyway there are a hell lot of different rooms playing all sorts of funky music, the main dance floor ain't really as crowded as Zouk on a Mambo night even though the R&B section is one helluva tight gay squeeze. An older and more cosmopolitan crowd as well. but still one can't say for sure that its really BETTER than Zouk.

a lack of familiar faces last night - kinda unlike mambo where everywhere i turn is someone i know. saw Alex Chew n Johnny Chang probably with their SAS friends. in the end, it descended into just my Heineken bottle and i looking down on the dance floor when arif finally got bored n left. no credit card is really no fun. fucking shoestring budget. but will be back with the classmates soon when the whore gets in from Manhatten. then let the mayhem and chaos reign. flaming lambos, waterfalls,shots, bottles bottles bottles... there is limited time left to party haha.

now gotta run off to Holland V, start n finish writing my Christmas Cards and then meet McCurdy n Amogh for a few drinks at Wala. then its an early morning tomorrow to prepare for the long day ahead before the BBQ. wine list would include 2 Cabernet Sauvignons, 1 Shiraz and 1 Chardonnay. budget wine. budget budget budget - i hate that fucking word.

in the dark backyard, lit by the burning of cigarette buds i wonder why it has to be so complicated when all we ever wanted was to be there, provide love, care and concern, share in troubles or make the troubles go away ? as wisps of cigarette smoke floated into the air - i ask why? why me? why him? and him? and him? a year ago you made one of them punch a mirror now you leave another seemingly wirthing in emotional agony. why do we hurt so much even though we know its not worth it because they don't care? why are we no longer innocent, idealistic and happy? why do we carry so much in our hearts now? make it all go away. please.there are reasons why some of them smoke and drink so much these days, but as the saying goes "Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again." i just thought some of you should fucking realize that you all are not totally absolved of responsibility for their downtrodden state.it hurts to watch.

we were happiest when all we wanted was to win the gold in our various sports. when honour, pride and glory was everything. now those ideals stand empty and somehow all that remains is brotherhood. when i said that my soul was steadily poisoned black and i laughed in devious tones - he said you know that there will always be people who care for you. but whether this corruption has eaten into my bones i am not sure.

i know we all miss those days when we wore white, when the honour of the green black and white meant everything to us. then we were truly happy. that's why we couldn't help but drink the first toast to "the Rafflesian Family so screw you glenn!" and sing it so loudly and with so much pride when we were high. now...i wonder what we have all descended into. it doesn't matter - none of us seems to be truly happy. its not worth it but why do we still hurt. why do we still feel the pain.

we know that its the wrong direction but we still trudge along the same path. we say we want out but we always end up not being able to let go. we are weak. day by day i seem to be getting weaker in all senses of the word. argggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh.

i want answers. i need a resolution. but then would i be happy? probably not. but at least i will be able to enter the cocoon of sterilization and desansitization - to focus on what can make me truly happy - to have the power to protect, to annihilate and most importantly to win. sure i might get lonely but it really isn't something i haven't been living with.

one week.

till the return of the advocate of endless nights of al-azhar, alcohol, clubbing, marlboros and dunhills - in my instance however it would be Cohibas, from the hodlums of the Big Apple. carrying with him the full force of American debauchery and sin. mmmm mamamia.....even Lao Lee admited in TIME magazine that they have the superior system.

some day. the bright lights of the city will embrace us in its fold - New York, Los Angeles, Shanghai or Singapore - it doesn't matter as long as we're sitting comfortably on top of the food chain. its more than an ambition, its our birth right and rightful destiny. i was made for greater things than this. remember that night in August. remember 'enjoy the lamb chop. its on the house. after that get the FUCK out of my hotel.' remember better days lie ahead for us all.

last night at alley, we poured out a bottle of Moet & Chandon - one of the finer things in life. there was the future, brotherhood, principles, NY'06, and to the stupid dick who's already there. thanks for being there at alley and later at zouk bro. you have no idea how much i appreciate it.

as i struck the match and threw it into the bin, watching the fire work up to a magnificent height, i saw the flames purge those pathetic feelings. and i laughed. not a joyous laughter. but a cackle lined with jaded realism. for i have grown up. now invulnerable. knowing that all that is confined to a Hollywood Studio or books written by authors of ancient times who are dead and whose works reflect those times that are long gone.

Sex For Dinner, Death For Breakfast - throw in a few alcoholic cocktails and cool toys - what a life.

James Bond movies are such a catharsis. devilishly suave and in control to the point of nonchalance. the theme songs like Shirley Bassey's Diamonds are Forever, Sheryl Crow's Tomorrow Never Dies and Garbage's The World Is Not Enough also reflect the transience and lack of attachment of Mr. Bond's stunning love affairs. hmmm... was hooked a long time ago, just rediscovering the feeling.

yeow kuan just woke me up from the most terrible dream. what i remember was that i was a student at some Japanese sumo academy and i kept getting smashed by the other students in the ring. then there was this scene of a boy crying in a corner. after answering the phone call, i crumbled back onto the bed moaning and groaning. what a fucked up dream. fubar indeed.

exactly one year on and another batch of fine young men who take pride in having once don the green black white and fought for its honour on the rugby fields have come through the ranks. in the times spent with them, certain life lessons have been imparted to me - lessons that will no doubt stand myself and these former comrades in arms in good stead in the years to come. for once in my life i have come to know what its like to win and more importantly the mark of what it takes to be a winner. he was right, clinging on to the past, does one no good, never let the contours of memories trap you within the past. and so its time i ended it with the cliche and firmly condemn it all to history. auspicium melioris aevi.

still there's a future that we walk towards. Paris, with your Champs Elysee, your Effiel Tower, your Lourve, your moonlit cafes by the Seine, i will come to you some day darling.

I'm a legionnaire
Camel in disrepair
Hoping for a frigidaire to come passing by
I am on reprieve
Lacking my joie de vive
Missing my gay paris
In this desert dry

And I wrote my girl
Told her I would not return
Terribly taken a turn
For the worse now I fear

It's been a year or more
Since they shipped me to this foreign shore
Fighting in a foreign war
So far away from my home

If only summer rain would fall
On the houses and the boulevards
And the side walk bagatelles it's like a dream
With the roar of cars
And the lulling of the cafe bars,
The sweetly sleeping sweeping of the Seine.
Lord I don't know if I'll ever be back again.

La la la la dam
La la la low

Medicating in the sun
Pinched doses of laudanum
Longing for the old fecundity of my homeland
Curses to this mirage!
A bottle of ancient Chiraz
A smattering of distant applause
Is ringing in my poor ears

On the old left bank
My baby in a charabanc
Riding up the width and length
Of the Champs Elysees

If only summer rain would fall
On the houses and the boulevard
And the side walk bagatelles it's like a dream
With the roar of cars
And the lulling of the cafe bars
The sweetly sleeping sweeping of the Seine
Lord I don't know if I'll ever be back again

If only summer rain would fall
On the houses and the boulevard
And the side walk bagatelles its like a dream
With the roar of cars
And the lulling of the cafe bars
The sweetly sleeping sweeping of the Seine
Lord I don't know if I'll ever be back again...

Be back again,
Be back again,
I'll be back again

in a dream he told me, 'never lose to anyone, never fall for anyone and you'll be ok.'

ever since that tour, i have been thinking and viewing certain instituitions with a profit making frame of mind - all the places where i have chow, have drinks, club. the f&b and entertainment industry is an area where there is much moolah to be made.
in my opinion, fine dining is a creative art as well as a money making machine.

i will always remember his quote "why do you want to sell char kway teow when someone can open a stall right beside you? we don't want to be another Tony Romas, its all about having a unique competitive edge that is very difficult to erode."

a good example. Nasi Lemak at Adam Road. ate there twice last week. with two stalls side by side, you wonder how does the less popular stall make profits? one stall has people calling up to order takeout in the dozens while the other survives on the measely few who are unwilling to weather the queue of the other stall. get the picture?

so the classmates used to take about opening their own cafe/pub. nice as it sounds a lot more thought, vision, personality and dynamisim has to be put into the business concept in order to get an approved bank loan to start up, let alone create a sustainable long term profit making enterprise. the keyword lies in unique.

corduroy & finch at six avenue seems to be a business concept worthy of a visit. gotta find a date for that.

now on to clubs. chinablack is obviously a place which targets the ah-beng-ah-lian crowd, with its watered down tequila shots and crap ass music on a normal night. zouk on the other hand brings in the high flyers as well as the commonfolk, i was going to say scum but i always remind myself that i have no right to judge. i don't think i can comment on starting up nikhil's corny idea of a name for a club: IndiaWhite, given my limited exposure. so next year, Pegasus ( Shanghai ), C Club (Hong Kong), Dragon I (Hong Kong) , Double Six n Hard Rock (Bali) during the Aussie holiday season - anyone?

on another note, they come and they go, but there are also those that stay. and i shall quote one now.

"Well, since I am talking to Mr Tan now I
should say something about him: mr tan is
one of those you can't seem to shake off. When
you are lonely and feeling low he is always there
to shake you out of your misery with his special
method. You feel like you never have to give
him any special attention because he is always
there. Also, he sends really good songs. Well,
in case you are starting to think I am his loyal
fan, he is also fucking annoying. His special
method involves his usual greeting:
"hey slut","whore!","fuck!" or the dreaded
nudge! Then when you get really really annoyed
he starts being nice like a little kid, then the
senses and maturity start coming back. Also,
I laugh at all his problems and constantly
give him shit for his definition of "problems".
Then, we spend the rest of the conversation
upkeeping his many many girls, ticking their
names off as we go along, making sure his
emotional status is stabilized before we proceed
as failure to do so would result in a dreaded
nudge. You look at Mr Tan and you see so
many things that you do not want to be, then
you look again and you see those things you
have failed to see. He can go a full conversation
acting like a mature young adult and then tell u:

"*********************************************"
Thats how silly he is. But in all honesty, as
much as I dread his messages, it would
be weird waking up one day and not seeing
the orange msn tab flash-its just something
that I wouldnt be used to. Thanks for
always bothering to impose yourself."

there won't be anymore problems, my friend, only nusiances - that's what they are now. mere games and nusiances. they come and they go. they might happen but life's full of more important things to do. not to mention the many who are here to stay too. As Camus would say, "In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." and i shall say, its not about being cool its about being ice cold.

His Epitaph.
herein lies the ruins of the boy who would give everything for love; the boy who would let love burn him and drive a stake through his heart. whether his selflessness and willingness to stake it all on this round of Russian Roulette in the game of love will be known to the rest of the world does not matter. may he rest in peace.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

as the sun sets and the crescent moon hangs brightly in the night sky, the ice cold flesh wriggles to life and rises from the musty integuements of the tomb. a creature of the night, a creature of darkness, a creature of sin - but we all are sinners, whores, shallow in more ways than one, so who has the right to judge but God? with what measure ye meets, it shall be measured to you in return. - a creature who drains the pure warmth of love into his veins but always awakes from his eternal slumber hungry for more. knowing only how to take and not to give. knowing only to fulfill the carnal cravings and you ask what of its heart for every living creature ought to have one? to quote C.S Lewis, 'Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.' If it had a heart that's what it would be ice cold - unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

last night we toasted to the greater past, and the greater future. whoever said that the present is a gift is sadly mistaken, fuck the asshole who came up with that - at least for now. the greater past can only be looked upon with nostalgia and longing. but the greater future - that can be looked forward to with hope and burning desire. and in that hope, we made a toast over baccardi rum to the beautiful stars and stripes - with everything that it stands for.

i will always be fine and i will always understand. even if i ain't. but who would know? haha. no one in this whole wide world. Forster was right when he remarked in Passage to India, "after centuries of carnal embracement, man is no nearer to understanding man." Mr. Donne, you have been mistaken when you remarked that 'no man is an island' because we are all islands trying to form a continent - but just ain't able to get there.

burger - few are as fierce and as psycho as the South African flanker who lays his body on the line every time.
kiedis - his voice is stunning, the lyrics he sings are so poetic, his tattoos are awesome.

i have had enough of dreaming. i want to stop dreaming. i want to start living. i i want to be who i want to be. its time to start turning dreams into reality. as true as the stars that shine ever so brightly in the night sky. yes a star.

remember 'aspire, in order to inspire, never expire'

I've got a bad disease
But from my brain is where I bleed.
Insanity it seems
Has got me by my soul to squeeze.

Well all the love from thee
With all the dying trees I scream.
The angels in my dreams (yeah)
Have turned to demons of greed that's mean.

Chorus:
Where I go I just don't know
I got to got to gotta take it slow.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna give you some of my good time.

Today love smiled on me.
It took away my face say please
All that you had to free
You gotta let it be oh yeah.

Chorus

Oh, so polite indeed
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze
And take away my self destruction.

It's bitter baby,
And it's very sweet.
I'm on a rollercoaster,
but I'm on my feet.
Take me to the river,
Let me on your shore.
I'll be coming back baby,
I'll be coming back for more.

Doo doo doo doo dingle zing a dong bone
Ba-di ba-da ba-zumba crunga cong gone bad

I could not forget
But I will not endeavor
Simple pleasures aren't as special
But I wont regret it never.

Chorus

Where I go I just don't know
I might end up somewhere in Mexico.
When I find my piece of mind
I'm gonna keep you for the end of time.